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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Screaming To Be Heard


For so many years the silence suffocated me. The years of asthma attacks, and my body speaking for me. The anorexia...my body screaming to be heard, and yet my voice was silent. I wanted to make sense of the rape, to understand the sensations, the feelings...the pain, and what also felt good. The body feels, and the loss of control is confusing. There is so much shame in those feelings. I was often home alone in my early teenage years. I wanted to make sense of those feelings. My therapist says that I wanted power, and I still don't know about that. I would invite boys up into my mothers bed, to do with my body what they wanted. Was there power in that? I suppose...These are things that I've never spoke of before, except in therapy. My trauma therapist says that what happened...what I did was normal, and to be expected...so common in victims of abuse, and yet, so much shame...so much. Why my mother's bed, and not my own. Screaming to be heard...Please, hear me. I confess, I speak, I share...Why? I do not fully understand. I want you to know, it is understandable, we aren't freaks, sluts, or any other nasty words we have told ourselves we are. We are human, we are real, and one day, we will be whole.

8 Comments:

one brave duck said...

this really spoke to me. i have re-enacted my original trauma in so many ways over the years. mostly i pretended i didn't have a body so what i was doing wouldn't hurt so much. i'm also on my journey to wholeness. thank you for sharing.

Jennifer said...

I hear you, Angela, and understand. Sometimes I think we need to try and take control by remaking situations -- I know I've done this in many ways, including with sex. For many years I just shut off and let things happen the way the other person wanted them to. You are (and were) not alone, and wholeness is there in front of you, ripe and beautiful.

Wanda's Wings said...

I hear you Angela! Abuse and rape takes away our voice. You are forever changed. Nothing is "normal" any more. My heart hurts for you and I do understand. Continue to be strong. You are a survivor.

Angela said...

Thank you all for the understanding. My therapist talked to me last week about the re-enactment of the rape and trying to make sense of it by trying to take control of my body.

Eve said...

Wow! Angela, this is a really powerful post. I am proud of you for writing this. I am no therapist, but it seems like you maybe wanted your mother to find out, so that she could help you and "be a mother" to you. I was alone a lot too as a child and teen. I know that my mom was doing the best that she could, but the truth is, her best involved me being abused and therefore her best was not good enough. (to quote a little SIA)....anyway, I really thing that we so badly wanted to not have to be our own moms that we were just dying to be mothered. Which is probably one of the reasons why you are such a fantastic mom, bc you wanted your kids to have better, rather, all of what they should get as kids. Me too. We are all learning. I am going to pray for your heart and mind to be open to whatever comes up. You are doing great work. Sorry for the ramble..... I love you.

Angela said...

Eve, I did miss my mom, and she had to be gone as much as she was. If my father had been the kind of father he should have been, things would have been so different. I remember standing over my mom while she lay sleeping, wanting to wake her up and tell her. I was so afraid it would be one more thing to burden her.

I miss you and love you too!

Just me said...

I am really proud of you for sharing this. You are strong.

Eve said...

Oh, Angela, something said, read her post again this morning.....I felt that way too! I would even sleep walk up to my moms room. I was so lonely. So lonely. I know that is why the abuse went on as long as it did. I wasn't getting attention from her, so I had to get it somewhere. I know that she did the best she could, it just wasn't enough. I am glad to learn from that all and glad to know that I don't have to make those same choices. And I love and miss you. You are a bright spot in my day. Thank you.