Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Bad Bones

I had my hip x-rayed today and it turns out that I have a stress fracture. I have old lady bones thanks to anorexia. When I have complications due to my eating disorder, I get really down on myself. My therapist is always saying that I choose whether to eat or not eat, and that always makes me feel like I chose to have anorexia. I never wanted to get sick, so that always confuses me. I'm going to have 6-8 weeks of physical therapy, and then after that they will look at it again to see how it is healing. I can still do yoga. It is weird, because it only really hurts when I'm walking. I take a deep stretch class, and it doesn't bother me then. I've been limping and having really sharp pains when I walk. Yesterday it was hurting so bad that I knew I had to get it checked out. I'm glad that I'm finally getting it taken care of though. I'm looking forward to it not hurting! Other than that, I'm feeling okay. I'm trying to eat more, it is just that I'm struggling with the guilt of eating. Afterwards I always feel like I did something bad, which is crazy, because logically I know that nourishment is not a bad thing. My emotions get in the way of logical thinking. I feel bad for meeting my own needs and taking care of myself. I think that is why I didn't go to the doctor for so long, besides the fact that I was afraid to find out what was wrong. I had a feeling it was my bones, and it is my own fault that I'm in this mess. All I can try to do is take care of myself now.


Wanda's Wings said...

I'm glad you got your hip checked out. I was worried that there was something wrong. I must admit I was surprised it was a stress fracture.

Sia Jane said...

I know you are capable of beating this angel and whilst I know what your therapist says could sound "too easy" but ultimately, we do have a choice, and THAT is what is so empowering <3