I Hold The Key

Art work by~ Emma Powell

 

This week has been better. I'm back to work, mostly doing office type jobs, although I did go and observe a boy in 7th grade, with Aspergers Syndrome, who is having difficulty in a couple of classes. I really enjoy that part of my job. The office part is just tedious and boring, but I'm grateful they are letting me work at all. My hip is beginning to feel better, and I think the meds are helping with the pain, which is a welcome relief.

Yesterday I went to see my nutritionist after a month of not seeing her. She was out because she had to have surgery, and I liked not going a little too much. I think that mostly it was because I didn't have to talk about the behaviors, and felt like I was getting away with something, so I cried all the way there. In therapy I don't talk much about the eating disorder, so I wasn't really telling my team how badly I was doing. I'm doing better this week with food, but struggling with obsessive thoughts about weight gain, and general disgust with my body. I'm tired of the thoughts and feelings that have plagued me for the majority of my life. How many times have I written here that I want to be free? I'm sure it is too many to count, and I know that I'm the only one who holds the key. My therapist keeps telling me how much she still believes in me, and I always feel embarrassed and undeserving when she says this. I should believe...I want to believe...