I am afraid, which leads me to panic attacks and self doubt. I'm afraid that my hip injury is going to make me lose my job. What if they say that because I keep getting injured, I can't do the job I was hired for? Working with aggressive kids make me prone to injury anyway, but I can't step down into another position because it would mean a large cut in pay. I think there are other placements in which I could work with less aggressive children, and I hope that is where they will place me. I just received the doctors release form that says I can't return to the physical side of my job, so I'm hoping they will let me work in the office until I can go back to my regular duties.
I talked to my therapist last night about having choices to eat or not. She explained that in the beginning of eating disorders, no one intends to get sick, and it is a coping mechanism, but once you know you have a problem, then it becomes a choice. I understand that, but it is still the way I cope with stress. I thought I had better tools, but maybe I just choose not to use them. I'm frustrated and I do want to be better. Yesterday I had some flat bread with mushrooms at a restaurant, and this afternoon I ate some yogurt. I'm intending to eat dinner. I am eating more instead of days of nothing. My relapses don't seem to last for long, and that is what I'm relying on. The right choices are difficult even though I know what is right. I have support, and I'm grateful even though I tend to push people away when I'm struggling. The confusion in my mind leads me in the wrong direction. I need to turn around and go the right way.