A Wordless Darkness

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.  

 

“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”  
~Yann Martel Life Of Pi