Couple Time

Dave and I had a couples therapy session this morning. It really helped, especially since I tend to keep my feelings from him. I was really struggling last night, and had an overwhelming urge to hurt myself. Instead I called my therapist and talked to her about it, but didn't tell Dave. I was afraid that telling him would scare him too much. Today in therapy, he said that he can always sense when something is wrong, and that when I say that I'm fine, it really makes him feel frustrated and helpless. His mind automatically starts to fear the worst, and he worries more. I'm going to try harder to share my feelings with him.
I go back to work on the 7th, and I'm hoping that having more structure in my day will help. As nice as having a vacation is, it gives me too much time in my own head! I am enjoying knitting though. I'm working on my second scarf, and I'm really happy with how it is turning out. It is brown with teal, periwinkle, gold, and burgundy running through it. I think that I'm going to give it to my therapist. She wears those colors a lot, and she has been so supportive through all of this. I have allowed myself to trust her completely, and am more honest and open with her than with anyone. Now I just need to give Dave that same level of trust. The difference is that I don't worry about hurting my therapist. I have to trust that being so open with Dave won't backfire. He deserves the chance. We both do.