Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Time To Heal

I finally feel that I am truly on the road to recovery. Until now, although it was something that I wanted, I was also terrified to actively pursue it. While inpatient, I was able to learn in a safe environment, that I could follow a healthy meal plan. I could practice using other coping methods other than restricting my food intake. Returning home did send me into a tailspin, and for awhile I was trying to find my footing. I feel as if I'm navigating through a whole new world where the rules have changed, but I am learning that they have changed for the better. In therapy, I feel strong enough to do more of the trauma work, and have had quite a few breakthroughs since I have been home. My sleep has been better, nightmares fewer, and less anxiety overall. The feelings of grief and sadness initially took me by surprise, and I fought to hold them inside, but last week the floodgates opened. For the first time ever, I actually sobbed in therapy! At the time, it did feel as if the tears would never end, but of course, they did, and I did not float away. I'm realizing that the grieving process could not take place until I could begin to acknowledge my own pain and loss. I also needed to stop blaming the little girl that I was for being raped. There too is finding the ability to forgive myself for not allowing that child to be consoled and comforted. She has been waiting for so long. The tears were a start, and I'm sure that I have many more to shed, but I no longer feel as if I'm going to choke on each and every breath that I take. I wrote a poem quite awhile ago about the rape, called A Child's Prayer To Herself, and now, even more than when I actually wrote it, the ending holds a deeper meaning for me, because now, I am truly able to take her hand. Together we can heal. Together we can become one.

A Childs Prayer To Herself
hand prayer
Dear God!
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!
Please help me,
someone help me
I'm sorry,
so sorry
Please hear me!
Make it stop!

I still hear her voice
Pulsing and throbbing
inside of my head

I tell myself
just fly away,
fly away,
we'll be okay
Stand up!
Clean it up!
Pick your soul up off the floor
Close the door
Never let them in again
Never again!

Our soul is clean
We flew away,
we flew away,
so far away
So now you need to take her hand
Tell her they will understand
She was just a little girl
You were just a little girl
Close the door
and fly away


Anonymous said...

I love you.