Friday, January 4, 2008

Walking On A Tight Rope

I have been wondering why I miss being in treatment so much. I was replying to a comment on my last blog, and realized that here at home, I feel as if I'm walking on a tight rope without a safety net below me.* I miss the safety net. Right now it is just me on my own. I'm supposed to be the safety net, yet I don't always feel so safe. It is also why I have this sense of loneliness right now. As much as I have support of the people around me, and a team here at home to help me, ultimately, it is all up to me. Talk about pressure! I know that it has always been up to me, but before, I had the eating disorder to chum around with, and Claudia is not very thrilled with me at the moment! I'm being cussed out on a daily basis, but I'm determined that she is not going to wear me down. She wants me to think that she will be my safety net, and that she will be the one to catch me if I fall. No wonder I'm so afraid all of the time.

* When I was seven, I tried to tight rope walk on my grandmother's clothes line. I fell off and broke my arm!