Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Obsessive Thoughts And Fears

I have been really frustrated over the past few days about my obsession with weight, calories, and restricting. I feel like it is a body image thing... That if I was happier with the body that I see when I looked into the mirror...but then I remember that even when I'm dangerously underweight...I'm not happy. My eyes cannot seem to recognize the truth, so do I just stop looking? Yet even if I stopped looking...I can feel it...the feeling that I'm taking up an ungodly amount of space, and it feels so uncomfortable and disgusting. I hate those feelings, but I know that restricting doesn't banish I just sit with the feelings...and wait...and hope for recovery. I feel sometimes as if I am spilling out all over the place. I worry any time my husband hugs me, touches my waist, my hips... I worry when I dry my pants and put them's an ongoing battle in my head.I think that is what gets to me. That I am always so damn conscious of my body. I think that it is part of not wanting to feel. I don't want to feel so connected to my body. I need to stop thinking of my own body as the enemy, waiting for it to betray me. I hope for a time in my life to be free of these obsessive thoughts, worries, and fears, and yes... I question whether it is even possible for me. Maybe for others, but what if... not for me? I suppose that is what I am truly afraid of. The fear that I will never be free.