Little Girls

Two of my nieces turn eight and nine this week. Last night I went to Madison's jewelry making party, and Sunday is Riley's pool party. Little girls...they are hard for me to look at sometimes, and God must have realized that when he blessed me with four boys. I love my nieces to death, but looking at them can trigger painful memories of myself, and I'm still working on loving that little girl that I was, so long ago. For so many years, I put the blame on her for everything bad that happened to me as a child. My parents divorce, the rape...all her fault because she wasn't good enough, stupid, too afraid, etc... I'm learning to make peace with her, embrace her, comfort her, love her, and finally, to love myself, because she is part of who I am today.

I'm worried about triggers at the pool party on Sunday, especially after the major dissociative episode that I just had. I met the two guys who raped me at my dads apartment pool when I was ten, so pools like that tend to bring back memories, and then with little girls running around who were about the same age as I was when that happened...well...you can see why I'm worried. Dave won't be there because he is golfing, so that is another concern, because he is often the person who can help to ground me when I start drifting away. I have to go, so that isn't an option. I will just have to use all of the other grounding tools that I can think of to keep me in the here and now. Wish me luck!