Friday, December 12, 2008

Letting Go Of The Past


This is the second day that I have stayed home from work because I'm sick. It's just a nasty cold with a fever and cough, but the headache is what's killing me. I just want to feel good again. This is not the best time of year to be under the weather. I have missed a lot of work this year already. I think that I may have run out of sick days, and that's not good. Oh well, that's enough complaining!

What has really been on my mind the past few days is a letter that I received from my dad on Tuesday. The last time I had spoken to my dad was over six years ago on the phone when I told him that I didn't want to have any further contact with him. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser who had disappointed and hurt me too many times in my life, and I had finally had enough. It was actually a relief not to have him in my life anymore. One of the things that he doesn't know is that I was raped when I was eleven, and in his care. My brother and I were staying the summer with him in Texas. He and my step mom lived in an apartment, and they decided to rent the apartment below them for my step sister, step brother and I to stay in because their apartment was too small for all of us. My dad and step mom weren't around much, so we were mainly supervised by my step sister, who was nineteen and liked to party and do drugs. One night they had a big party with a lot of drugs and drinking going on, and I ended up being raped by two guys who were at the party. At the time, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone. I blame my dad for not being around to take care of me. The letter he sent me is asking for forgiveness for not being a better father. He says that he has been sober and clean for the past four years, and has been going to
Alcoholics Anonymous, and one of the steps in A.A. is to make ammends to the people in your life who you have hurt. I'm not sure how to respond to this letter. I can forgive him, but I still don't know if he can ever be a part of my life. My therapist thinks that he needs to know about the rape, but I'm not sure. She is probably right, but that will be a very hard letter to write. Maybe it would help me to let go of all of the pain that I've been holding on to, but it is something that I'm going to have to take my time to think about.


Clueless said...

I am sorry about your rape and pain. Having contact with your Dad seems to brought up even more pain and other feelings. I think, that it would be helpful that you let him know about the rape because it will help you to release some of the emotions including anger and pain. However, it is only in your timing, when you feel ready and if you want are in control of this one.

Take care,

Jennifer said...

I agree with CC. Proceed at your own pace, with the understanding that you may not get a satisfying response from him (or you will; there's always the risk).

Here's a big HUG and good thoughts for you.


ally said...

hi angel... im sorry about the pain you're going through. i'm sorry about your dad as well. i also hated my dad before. i never gave him a chance to be a father to me. i was full of hate and rebellion. he died 8 years ago and up until now I still regret those days that i never even talked to him even though i could see all the efforts he's done just to show me he cared. i never gave him a chance.

i know how hard it is to forgive someone who hurt you. but as long as you have that hatred in your heart, you will always be in pain. i know you will forgive your dad in time. it will also help that you tell him about the rape. But just like what jen and clueless said, take your time.

God bless you and your family! tc!

PinkLady said...



On a limb with Claudia said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find peace in your heart. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. Be gentle with yourself.

Claudia from Denver Cereal

Dolly's Diary said...

Hi Angela,
I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. I can't imagine the pain. Letting go and forgiving may heal your pain, but I agree with the others, do it when you are ready. Maybe a letter to your father explaining where you are at will keep hope for another day when you are ready.
God Bless you,
Janet :)

Success With Women said...

I love the title Letting Go Of The Past. Need courage to do this. By letting all the bad experience goes up in the air...and start again from zero.

Anonymous said...

It was nice talking to you yesterday and we miss all of you very much.

I know you will make the right decision for yourself on this matter. You are in a very "tough" situation and it is important to do what your heart and head feel is appropriate.


Old man in Florida

tyna said...

I am very sorry for your pain but you have to forgive and try to let go of the past.

Chronic Chick Talk said...

You are so brave speaking about it here. Its tough to speak to a parent who hurt you so much. I know myself because of my mom's abuse of the same. Its painful to be abandoned by a parent. Take your time and listen to your heart to find the best way to heal. Healing does come from the heart. Have a Merry Christmas and the spirit of the season be with you. Hope you feel better.

Chronic Chick

ESCUDERO said...

Hi Angela I guess I just had to respond to this post because I don't know how you are feeling but the only thing I do know is that we can't go throughout our lives carrying pain and suffering. It's too short Angela. I have some people that have hurt me very much, and it has been very difficult to forgive and go forward. What I'm doing now is if someone hurts me I turn around and respond w/a kind gesture to them.

God wants us to forgive Angela. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but if you believe in God he wants us to forgive so that when the time comes that we have done wrong He will forgive us too.

I just worry that maybe you will respond to him too late. We never know how long we're going to live on this earth. You wouldn't want to have to look back and say why didn't I talk to him about whatever is pressing on your heart. Do it before it's too late. This way you will experience a feeling of freedom, and you'll know that you did your part before something happens to your father.

I'm sorry for all of the suffering that you have had to go through. May God bless you always - Veronica

Simply Eva said...

Hi...I came across your blog while dropping entre cards and am so glad I stopped to read your post. Just want to say as someone who has been there...your father should know. I personally dont believe you will heal from this completely unless you tell him. And now that he is in recovery, perhaps you can one day have a healthy relationship. Good luck and God bless.

BarbaraRae said...

I firmly believe that one of the main reasons we are here on this earth is to learn forgiveness. It's not easy..but at least you will get it off your chest. It could turn out to be one of the best things you've done. It really helps the healing process. It helps you to grow, put the past behind you, and move forward!