There are moments of clarity when I realize that I will no longer be able to hide behind my own self destruction. I will have to give it all up to be able to move on, and that scares the hell out of me. What is on the other side, I do not know, and the unknown is always frightening. I see a glimpse of my shadow reaching towards the light, and I recoil, afraid to be burned. There is the coolness of a gentle kiss on my forehead, the touch of a hand that finds it's way into the dark of my heart, and I do believe for that moment, that I will find my way.
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You are not entering the unknown and you do know what's on the other side....happiness, relief, contentment and healing. These are not scary things.You will be getting back what you have been missing all these years so you should be running to the other side! The one thing you have not accepted this entire time is that happiness is a choice and you can have it any time you want it. So CHOOSE IT! You are making this much more difficult than it needs to be. Simplify, simplify, simplify!
Yes...so simple
Beautifully written. Yes, you will find your way. Blessings on you.
Most people are worried about uncertainties in life. I am too especially when I do not know what is in store for me. And yet there is also an excitement in moving on; new life, new people, new things and most important - growing up.
Hi Angela,
I'm so glad that you found my blog, which, in turn, led me to yours.
It sounds like we are going through the same thing - no longer hiding behind a self-destructive disease that survives through secrecy. My writing is very straightforward and matter-of-fact, so it's really nice to read creative writing about recovery. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Lily
Hi...
Yep...we'd always rather be self destructive than ANGRY at the people who were supposed to love us...and didn't. It's always hard to let go of the promise of love from someone that has betrayed us and move on - especially if it's buried deep in the past.
I wrote down all the horrible things my grandfather and my ex-husband did to me on slips of paper and then threw them out of the window of my car one by one. Followed by a mantra of - I don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm still angry sometimes, and depressed, but - the self destructive stuff just kind of evaporated. I didn't need it anymore.
And yeah, it's lonely without the ghosts of the past. But it's a small price to pay to be able to love your kids with compassion and kindness, to have an emotionally healthy relationship with a deserving and honest companion, and to honor yourself with dignity and respect.
blessing,
julia
I get what you're saying..you've walked your path with the pain for so long it in a twisted way has become a security blanket...something you know, even though it brings pain.
The unknown is scary, but first you must grieve where you have been and willing to let go of that pain...the rest will come
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