Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Step Backwards


"Are we really going back there? Just let me know, because if we are, I want to be prepared, and I want you to be prepared too, because it is never pretty." My therapist said those words during our session last night, referring to the anorexia. I didn't have an answer for her, and I could feel her frustration with me. It sounds so simple, but I don't know what to do. I want to believe that I am in control of this, and that the eating disorder isn't in charge, but I really do know that's not true. Eating right now feels so hard and I'm not sure why. I'm losing some weight, and that feels good, so it is difficult to make the right choices. The whole weight issue is so confusing. In the past week, I've had one woman ask me if I wanted to join Weight Watcher's with her, and another woman tell me how skinny I am. How do those two conversations go together? They don't. No wonder my body image is distorted. So is everyone elses!
I'm stressed about disappointing people. I don't want to go backwards, and yet, I am. So, Am I really going back there? I don't know...


Jane Doe said...

Not to sound all Zen, but wherever you go, there you are. If you're going backwards, don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes in life we go backwards. But, then we go forwards again. All you can do is deal with where you are the best you can and take the steps you need to to cope and keep from giving in to the anorexia. The Buddhists say that we prolong our own suffering by fighting it. Just allow yourself to be where you are for now. You'll start moving forward again.

I hope that makes some sense in some small way. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there sweetie, you are strong, you can get through this, even if it feels like you won't.



Ruth said...

As a social worker I once worked with once said, "you've been through hell and you're doing great under the circumstances". I agree with Jane, you're a strong lady and you'll get through this! (((((HUGS)))))

Anonymous said...

Angela, as someone who is in the midst of an eating disorder I can relate. I think part of the problem is that we rely on our friends and acquaintances to tell us how "healthy" we are, but we have a hard time believing the dietitians and other professionals. It's hard to grasp that our body does not change depending on who is looking at it.

I hope you're able to get back on track and live your life happily. You deserve happiness and healthiness-- no one deserves an eating disorder.

Wishing you the best,

clean and crazy said...

awe sweetie,
it is like a relapse, you know what you described here is a relapse. I wish I could help my only suggestion is the twelve steps and I believe that the NA 12 steps would work great for you. all you have to do is change the word drug to eating disorder. you are powerless over your eating disorder and your life has become unmanageable. i am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable. the basic text says that our addiction can manifest itself in many ways. today it is not drugs that i use but sometimes, it is food, sometimes sex, sometimes anger. what ever i use outside of myself to make me feel better inside of me is my drug of choice.
for me the solution lies in going to meetings, calling my sponsor, who is not a dietitian, or a therapist who studies this disease of addiction, but another addict like me, who is clean and is guiding me through my steps. one addict helping another is without parallel. are there any OA meetings there, i know you don't over eat, but maybe if you can connect with someone who is dealing with the same issues you can help each other.
you know that is the problem with counselors, "are we really going there again.." obviously she has no clue.
in NA we have members who relapse all the time, yes we get frustrated but we never show that to the relapser. we simply welcome them back with open arms and tell them they can do it. we do not judge because any one of us could be that next person walking in that door in shame and you know how hard that must be to honestly admit your defeat, we don't need to hear "i told you so" that frustrates me, and this is why therapy doesn't work for addiction. your addiction is to your eating disorder and your therapist probably never even read a twelve step book.
my only other suggestion is to stop believing the lies in your head, you have a strong negative filter working over time. when you said that person asked you to join weight watchers, they probably weren't thinking you were fat, they were thinking I am afraid to go by myself. i have the same negative filter and i can twist up what someone says into something negative just like that! girl you are not the only one who gets that way. it is OK and i believe in you. i believe you are strong enough to get through this and do what is right for you. take care of you, you are worth it.

Anonymous said...

From one addict to another, if you are sensing that your therapist is getting frustrated then you need to seriously pay attention to that. Maybe after all of this time you just need to be comfortable with where you are, stop fighting it and accept the fact that you have an eating disorder and that you actually like this place you have so carefully found for yourself. If you don't have the strength to heal yourself than at least have the strength to accept yourself for where you are and stop the madness of pretending that you want to get better.


Chinaski said...

I agree with Jane and Ruth. Try to be strong and you will find your own way through this. I have a post about a toothache that you may like to read. But asides from that I wish you the best. I will be rooting for you to win this one.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure you really want to get better. At times you say that you do but those are only words. If you go back to when you started this blog, and then reflect on where you are now, have you made the progress you need to truely be on a road to recovery? And then ask yourself how much longer can you keep posting the same blogs, hearing from the same people with the same responses. You may need to face the fact that this is all there is, and until you do something differently that will continue to be true.

Wanda's Wings said...

Listen to your professionals. When we have eating disorders we can not see our bodies correctly. Our relationship with food is not normal. Everything is distorted. Let your professionals help.

Anonymous said...

I am going to disagree with the response from "clean and crazy" when she says "you know that is the problem with counselors, "are we really going there again.." obviously she has no clue." The truth is, this therapist DOES have a clue! And it is important for addicts to not always surround themselves with other addicts, but to be pushed by those who DO know what they are talking about. It is time for Angela to be pushed and to know that she cannot continue to be coddled by other addicts. The truth is sometimes painful to hear and if this counselor is tired of hearing excuses than it is her job to push Angela. This can't go on indefinitely and the counselor knows that. Angela is not eating, and when she does she pukes it up, causing an EXTREME amount of damage to her body. She drinks excessively at times and she has tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions. Exactly how much longer do you think her body can tolerate this? How much longer do you want to coddle her and keep telling her it's going to be OK? It's not going to be OK and that is the job of the counselor to tell her that. To speak the truth when no one else will.

Ann said...

Wow I'm not sure what to say here. I just read all your comments. It's great that people are so supportive and want to make you feel better but I have to say the comment from anonymous sort of shocked me. At first I thought it sounded rather harsh (and I guess I still do) but in the end I think sometimes the harshness is what you need when you are stuck in a place that is wrong for you. Whichever road you choose, know that I'm rooting for you to find your way back to a happy healthy you. Have a good weekend and just be kind to yourself.

Angel said...

I do agree with anonymous that my therapist has a clue, and I know that she will push me to reach inside. As hard as it is to hear, I need her to be harsh and honest with me. I know the damage that I'm doing, and that it needs to stop. I feel like I can't, and that is scary. I have done it before though, so I do have hope that I can do it again. I will keep trusting that my treatment team can help me through this relapse. Thanks to all who have commented. I appreciate any and all support, no matter how harsh it may seem:)