Saturday, September 12, 2009

Thoughts On Recovery


I have been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me, and why I'm so resistant to it. Recovery, and eating a normal amount of food each day means that I stabalize at a weight in which I'm not happy being. How do I learn to be okay with that? For most of my life, I have starved myself. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety when I eat. Right now, with this relapse, I don't have that, and it feels good. I feel like I have some power and control. Is it a false sense of power and control? Yes, I realize that it probably is, but it is hard to want to let go of those feelings, because they are so real to me.
I'm still trying to eat dinner with the family. I know how important that is, and it is a way to stay connected when I tend to push everyone away. I want to WANT recovery, but I'm not sure how to do that.


Anonymous said...

Seems you cycle back after summer, when the stress of work kicks in, and you have new people to deal with who you feel are "sizing you up". Perhaps you could get past this hurdle by taking a more behavioral approach to your eating disorder. What is you eating disorder if not a set of behaviors which kick in when you are without more adaptive repetoires? There IS a combination of diet/exercise which would allow you to maintain a low (but still healthy) BMI without starving or puking your guts out. Write a program to feed yourself, to burn the calories, to be healthy. Take data and be accountable. You know behavior can be changed-it's what you do everyday for others. Do it for yourself. Separate the behavior from the emotion and make a plan.

Angel said...

I miss you, and you are so right.

Ann said...

just stopping by to say hello, it sounds like you got some pretty good advice there.

PJ said...

great advice from lee. sounds like you have a wonderful friend there.

have a great day...hugz!

chippy said...

Angie -
I wish I could give you some solid answer as to how to WANT recovery, but I don't have one. One day I woke up and was tired of living the way I was living, so I made a choice - I can fight this with all I have, and eventually come to want it, or I can be indifferent to it and die without every having fought at all. I did not choose the latter. And, as of five months ago, I have yet to look back.
There will always be that anxiety surrounding food. I struggle with it everyday, as well. But, I would rather struggle with that anxiety than succumb to the comfort of my eating disorder, something that wants nothing more than to take my life from me.
You are a beautiful, beautiful person and my only hope for you is that you can one day see that, that you can overcome this not for your family, your children, your job, but for yourself.

<3 jess melillo

Raven said...

I can understand your reluctance when it comes to recovery. It took me many years to get up the courage to find a therapist to help me recover from my issues and emotional traumas. I just couldn't force myself to do it until recently. I'm glad I did though, I have hope that I can recover, though it's still scary.

Both Lee and Jess have some wonderful words of wisdom. I know you can do this. Also, courage is not the lack of fear, but the will to push through despite it.

I really think that you might be able to benefit from reading a book called 'Being Zen'(it's a very short book but full of practical advice and wisdom) or other books on mindfulness and meditation practice. You don't have to be a Buddhist to apply the principles and practices, therapists use them all the time. Have you ever tried something like that? It can help you cope with the feelings that come up during recovery. If you're not interested, just ignore me. :-) I just wanted to offer up some stuff that works for me. I see you suffering and I want to help. I wish I could make it all go away for you.

Remember, you totally rock!!

Raven aka Jane Doe

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Hi Angela,
I too wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make everything okay!

But, it truly is up to you. I know I went until I was puking blood. When that started up it scared me into recovery.

I have always been the extremist though. However, as I've always told you, recovery is a day by day, some times even moment to moment thing.

I still have the urge to purge with every meal. But, so far today, I am still successful at controlling it.

So today is a good day. Right now this moment is a good moment. I gave up the process of projecting my thoughts into the future years ago.

I know it's cliche' but it does work. Be in the moment and try as best you can not to project and increase your anxiety, worsening the circle!!

Love and Hugs Always!!

Wanda's Wings said...

It is hard when an eating disorder is all about control. Continue to seek professional help and know they have your recovery at heart. I am sorry that you are struggling now. Just stay healthy and take good care of yourself for you are worth it.