Body Memories And Flashbacks

Yesterday was not a good day. Work was horrible. The student that I'm working with decided to target me with all of his aggression, and he threw a huge screaming tantrum that literally lasted for two hours, and during this time I was bit. I also had therapy last night, it was an emotional session, and I ended up drinking. We were talking about my fears about Dave, but then I brought up the subject of intercourse, and how that part of making love is so hard for me. It is physically painful and almost always triggers rape memories and flashbacks. Later that night, I came home, and I hadn't eaten all day. I ate some meatballs, and then felt so overwhelmingly horrible and disgusted with myself that I ended up purging, which I haven't done in quite awhile. The drinking was not a good idea at all, and I know this, but I continue to make bad choices when it comes to that. I stayed upstairs in my room, and in my mind, I couldn't stop having flashing memories of the rape. I called my therapist, because I felt like I was physically disconnecting from my body. The body memories are so painful and terrifying, and I ended up dissociating while I was on the phone with her. I don't remember anything after that until I came out of it and found myself sitting in the bathtub fully clothed. Dave was sitting with me, and he helped me to change clothes. I slept fitfully last night, and now I'm just exhausted at work today. I feel like I'm on shaky ground. I also have to give a presentation at work. Of all the days to have to do that! I talked with my therapist this morning, and she suggested that I make an appointment with another therapist in her group who deals more with sexual trauma and dissociation, so I did call him, and hopefully he can get me in soon. I hate this. I think things are improving, and that I'm healing from the past, and then an episode like this happens, and I just feel so bad about myself. I'm tired.