Thursday, October 29, 2009

Body Memories And Flashbacks


Yesterday was not a good day. Work was horrible. The student that I'm working with decided to target me with all of his aggression, and he threw a huge screaming tantrum that literally lasted for two hours, and during this time I was bit. I also had therapy last night, it was an emotional session, and I ended up drinking. We were talking about my fears about Dave, but then I brought up the subject of intercourse, and how that part of making love is so hard for me. It is physically painful and almost always triggers rape memories and flashbacks. Later that night, I came home, and I hadn't eaten all day. I ate some meatballs, and then felt so overwhelmingly horrible and disgusted with myself that I ended up purging, which I haven't done in quite awhile. The drinking was not a good idea at all, and I know this, but I continue to make bad choices when it comes to that. I stayed upstairs in my room, and in my mind, I couldn't stop having flashing memories of the rape. I called my therapist, because I felt like I was physically disconnecting from my body. The body memories are so painful and terrifying, and I ended up dissociating while I was on the phone with her. I don't remember anything after that until I came out of it and found myself sitting in the bathtub fully clothed. Dave was sitting with me, and he helped me to change clothes. I slept fitfully last night, and now I'm just exhausted at work today. I feel like I'm on shaky ground. I also have to give a presentation at work. Of all the days to have to do that! I talked with my therapist this morning, and she suggested that I make an appointment with another therapist in her group who deals more with sexual trauma and dissociation, so I did call him, and hopefully he can get me in soon. I hate this. I think things are improving, and that I'm healing from the past, and then an episode like this happens, and I just feel so bad about myself. I'm tired.


Ann said...

I'm so sorry you had such a rough time. I wish that words alone could make things better for you. Just keep the faith and hold on, you'll make it through.

Ruth said...

(((((HUGS))))) hang in there! You've been doing so well, you know you can bounce back from this. Yesterday I got my kids off to school and went back to bed for a while--big mistake! I ended up sleeping most of the day, didn't get up until the kids came home. I didn't even get dressed until about 4:30 in the afternoon. There's a cruise to Alaska I want to go on next year, it's scheduled right before my next birthday. It's with a group I've gone on trips with before, financially I don't think I can but I feel like emotionally and psychologically I just NEED to, you know? It's like the majority of my social life is these once a year trips. I did recently start a mail order Art course, got a 90% on my first exam the other day so that was a nice mood booster...on some level I feel like it's going to be another one of those things I start and then drop halfway through when things get a little difficult, but so far it's been interesting and fun too. And maybe if I get good enough I can sell my work and bring in a little extra money too, that would be nice.

On the issue with having sex with your DH reminding you of the rape, maybe for now you can do a sort of "non sexual touching" thing? I read somewhere that some sex therapists recommend that for couples that are having problems--sort of be naked together and touch/massage each other, but without the pressure of "going all the way", know what I mean? Maybe something like that would help, if only to keep up the intimacy level between you. Being touched is really important to feeling loved, I think, then again I guess it depends if it's the sex or just touching in general that sets off the rape flashbacks. You might want to see what your therapist thinks about the idea, but it might be something to think about trying.

Wanda's Wings said...

I hope the new therapist can help. I am so sorry you are having such a rough time,

Zan said...

Big hugs and lotsa love coming your way.
This is an episode, remember that. It will not last. This is just now. It will get better because you've seen that it can. You know it.
It's tough right now, but it's just for now. Just hang in there. Maybe there is a brighter light around the next corner. Just keep turning those corners. You'll get there!!

American Idiot said...

It takes time to heal, don't get too frustrated. Remember, it's how you get back up that counts!

A Mom's Choice said...

So sorry to read about your husband, hand in there.