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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Fill In The Blanks

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I sit in the basement of the same church where my children attended preschool, sipping a spiced pumpkin latte', and contemplating the idea of pulling my knitting out of my purse. I need something to focus on besides my nervous attempt to avoid eye contact with the other women in the room. All that I can hear is the sound of my pulse throbbing in my ears. Women stand up to share their stories, but their voices are background noise, competing with my heart. My knitting sits in my lap, needles poised and unmoving. My eyes focus on the stillness of my fingers until they become unrecognizable as my own, and this is when I disconnect. When I'm uncomfortable or afraid, that is what I do. I separate myself from the fear, filling the space that exists with emptiness. My life is riddled with holes. The frayed memories, torn and faded, haphazardly patched and sewn. I find myself behind the wheel of my car, wondering in what direction I should go, because I'm painfully aware that I don't want to go home. Home means answering questions of which I have no answers. "The meeting was fine," I say.
I'm used to filling in the blanks.

13 Comments:

Grampy said...

Hi Angel.Sounds like a tough AA meeting.Don't give up on them.Try to get the knitting going.Let your mind wander.Your subconscious mind will pick up what you need.But you have to stick with it.I went through it.I have memories of my childhood that I still have blocked.Try to live for today.Enjoy your family.Let go and let God.

Ann said...

Oh Angela I'm sorry that the meeting didn't go so well. I know that when I first started attending al anon meetings they were sort of strange, maybe once you feel more comfortable with the other women in the group they will get better. Like Grampy said "Let go and let God" That's one of my favorite sayings.

aside from everything else I just want to tell you that I find your writing remarkable. you have such a way with words.

PJ said...

angela, you have so much support, but ultimately you are the only one that can conquer your own demons. i know that you know this and i know that you fight every day. you must not give up, you must believe that you are worth this fight. you must continue to tell those memories that they are just that, memories and they are in the past and they can't hurt you anymore! you have to face your fears head on. what happened to you is horrible, but not your fault! you are a survivor, and will continue to be a survivor. no matter how much support you have, it is you that has to fight...

much love to you angela

Angel said...

I will definitely try another meeting next week. My fear just got in the way, and I know this. My coping skills aren't as strong yet as I would like them to be. I tend to regress into my old patterns, but I'm not giving up. I'm sure that the more I face my fears, the less power they will hold over me.
Ann, Russ, and Pj~ You are all such wonderful support, and I appreciate all of your kindness, insight, and wisdom! Thank you:)

Saving Grace said...

The phrases, "Everything is fine" ~ "I am fine"...those are familiar to me.
It's hard to open up sometimes and share your honest experiences and your true feelings.
I will continue to read your words. It took a lot of strength to go the meeting. A lot. And you did it!!

Wanda's Wings said...

Meeting scare me also, but my therapist says I really need to go. Hang in there!

Lee said...

So sorry you are struggling right now. Have you thought about on-line meetings? Might be a more comfortable place to start. Hang on through this tribulation and know that you deserve to have peace and happiness in your life. You were born worthy of all the love. Please never give up. So many people treasure you and lift you up.

Angel said...

I didn't know that there were on-line meetings. I will check that out. Thanks for everything. Your family means so much to me. I know that you understand, and that helps.
Much love,
Angie

Lee said...

As you are checking out online AA meetings, how about looking at groups like aftersilence.org? While alcohol may be an escape from the memories for you, I'm not sure it is the root of your problems. What makes an alcoholic different from the next guy is the CRAVING that sets up once it is in his system. One drink always leads to too many more. Unless this is how alcohol affects you, I'm not sure AA is what you need. Do you need help to stop drinking or do you need other coping mechanisms?
Is alcohol really the problem?

Lee said...

Forgot to mention how much we love you!

Angela said...

Lee,
I don't think that alcohol is really the problem. I don't drink every day, or even every week. I do on occassion drink too much, but don't feel that I'm an alcoholic. I will check that other website. Thanks so much!
Love you<3

ghost girl said...

I would think that it would be acceptable for you to knit during the meeting....I mean, your anxiety is understandable to the other people at the meeting right? I had a bad habit of drawing whenever i felt super anxious or beginning to slip away. I pretty much invented a new safe familiar world in my sketchbook. My closest friends understood and were okay with it but i always wondered if other people thought it was rude or odd. the LAST thing i wanted to do was draw attention to myself....Eventually i tried to ween myself from it. Online meetings are a good way, but I think making yourself go in person, if you can stand to, would be the best...just my opinion. I can't imagine how painful this is for you and as always...i wish you the best.

Angela said...

Thank you Ghost Girl. I'm taking my knitting this Saturday. I will try again to go, since I didn't get much out of the first one.
I appreciate your kindness:)