Friday, February 19, 2010

A Bottomless Pit


I can't get enough. I'm filled with the weight of emotion. I have insatiable needs that could never possibly be met. Desire... I can't get close enough to those that I love. These are my feelings at the moment. I'm hungry after a long period of not having any appetite at all, and I'm afraid, mostly that I won't know how to stop once I've started. I feel as if I will never be able to take in enough food, enough love, enough warmth. I'm a bottomless pit of wanting, so much so that I want to cry with the longing of it all.

My week has been filled with therapy and my recovery group. I'm still trying to process everything that I'm taking in, and I'm overwhelmed with words, sad stories, but also hope. I sit for three hours in group listening to others experiences with addiction and despair. I share and contribute, but mostly I'm learning. I cannot seem to keep up with all of the emotions that constantly wash over me. I'm trying to name them as they come, but that is something that I'm still working on. Therapists are forever asking you how you feel, and I'm always saying, "I don't know." I'm frustrated by this, but the more I talk out loud and get feedback from others, the more I'm able to get in touch with the feelings. I'm surprised at times by what comes out of my mouth while sharing in the group setting. I find that I have so many thoughts and feelings that I didn't even realize I had until I voice them, and as exhausting as all of this is, I think that I'm finally moving in the right direction.


Ann said...

That's the way to go Angela. Keep moving ahead. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Ruth said...

Sounds like you're doing pretty well! Trying to keep up with the feelings may be pointless, maybe just let them wash over you, as you say. The healing comes in finally experiencing the emotions you've been trying to starve out of yourself, actually naming them may not be necessary. I know it would make it easier to talk about though.

Nicole said...

Your fear is my fear. I am also afraid that I will never get enough. I was thinking about this just yesterday, actually (you and I are always side by side, on the same wavelength).

I think it's because for so long we have starved ourselves, not just on a physical level when we restrict food, but we have also starved ourselves on an emotional level by bottling up our emotions and burying them, and by not accepting love because we did not feel worthy of receiving love. So when we first start to allow ourselves to step outside of our ED prison, we do feel kind of overwhelmed by all of these feelings and emotions we have spent a lifetime blocking out and trying to numb.

It's like we've been walking in a scorching hot desert dying of thirst and we have finally found water. At first, because we are so incredibly thirsty, it will seem like we can never possibly get enough water, but eventually we will and everything will settle into balance again.

I was so happy to read this post and know that you are feeling hopeful and that you feel you are moving in the right direction. It sounds like your recovery group is very beneficial and that you are learning a lot.

You are doing such a good job, Angie, and I am so incredibly proud of you! :)

Sending all my love <3<3<3

June_Butterfly said...

I can relate to your feelings.Sometimes i feel so filled with so much feelings don't know how to handle them.

So glad to have found your blog.Like you i have a passion for words,and butterflies.

May your healing process continue to create wonderful creations of words.

The best of everything!