Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Slowing Down


My therapist gave me this book called The Food & Feelings Workbook by Karen R. Koenig. I've been flipping through it, and to tell you the truth, I'm afraid to read it. God forbid, it might help me to get more in touch with my feelings! I notice that throughout the book, it asks you to stop, close your eyes, and ask yourself how you feel. I've tried this a few times, and nothing comes. I draw a blank. I hate to be asked how I feel because I'm afraid that the answer will somehow be wrong, as if my feelings aren't valid. The question overwhelms me, and I shut down. I've become more quiet and inward lately, but I'm still having trouble slowing my mind down. I've had a couple of panick attacks in the past two weeks. The tension at work on top of all of the therapy has me feeling anxious. Last night in my therapy session, we really worked on ways for me to learn to slow my mind down with some peaceful visualizations. We practiced in the session, and I walked out of there feeling more relaxed than I had in a long time. I think that I will be able to do these on my own when I start to feel stressed.
I've noticed at work and in my group sessions, that I tend to take on everyone else's problems, and make them my own, and then I'm left feeling overwhelmed. I'm definitely going to work on this. I think that I'm beginning to become more aware of ways in which I sabotage myself, and awareness is half the battle. I feel like with this awareness, I will be better able to control how I react to stressful situations.
Lastly, food is going much better. I'm still drinking meal replacement drinks, but sometimes I'm able to have food instead. I'm recognizing my hunger cues, and trying to eat when I feel hungry. It is hard, and definitely scary, but I feels like it's getting easier everyday. I know that everyday won't be easy, but I'll take the days that are!


Anonymous said...

Some day you will stop talking about what you want to do, hope to do, wish to do, trying to do, working to do, and you will actually do it. It's hard to see you always saying the same things over and over again but not actually implementing any of those wishes into your life. I'm sure you are frustrated as well blogging about the same defeating behavior over and over and over and over and over. One day you have to break out of this cycle. Look back at your first blog entry. Has anything really changed between now and then? I'm not sure how this blogging about this mysterious "one day" will ever change anything. You are running out of reaching that magical "one day." It's here now. Do something!

Ann said...

Hang on to those good days and they'll help you deal with the rough spots just a little better.

Nicole said...

I swear Angie, you and I are the same person in two bodies :) I'm doing the same kind of work books right now for my therapist too. At first they are difficult to do, especially the "stop and feel" sections, but as you go along and begin to better understand your emotions, the books start to become easier. I find them very beneficial, and they have really helped me to be more aware of my emotions as I am feeling them, which helps to make them more manageable and less overwhelming.

I'm so happy to hear that the days are getting better for you. I am so proud of you for all the work you are doing and for staying strong.

Keep holding on <3

I love you so much!

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work. Sorry I have not called. Been kind of crazy around here. I promise, I will call you soon. You are always on my mind and you know I love you.

I am not the Anonymous above...he is the crazy one, not me.

Love...Old man from Florida

Anonymous said...

There is nothing crazy about being honest. One day it will be too late and someone needs to finally say it. The constant benign replies of "it will be OK," "hang in there," "keep up the good work,"you can do it," are not helpful to an addict. There needs to be some real powerful and tough work done. Those who have never been through don't understand and think all that is needed is a soft pat on the back and an encouraging word. As someone who knows, that will never get the job done. Addicts need intense help, intense words, and an intense kick in the butt. This blog serves no purpose other than to stroke her weakness. Now THAT's crazy.

Angela said...

I am getting intense help, in case you haven't been reading. I'm doing an intensive out patient recovery program, and also lots of therapy. Even in the out patient program, I receive encouragement. That is not a bad thing. I actually thought this blog post was more positive than some of my recent posts. Guess you didn't think so.

Sunny said...

The first anonymous is a fool. Angie, I've known you for years and I KNOW for a fact that you have made WONDERFUL progress with your life. I know how much stronger you have become and I am filled with pride to see that you are healthier and happier than you have ever been.

Sure there are still obstacles to overcome. When things run deep, it takes a long time to heal them. You are making changes and if that person thinks you're not moving fast enough for him or her...well, it doesn't matter a bit, does it?

You continue doing what is working for you. You know you have made changes and so do those close to you. THAT'S all that matters.

How on earth that person could say that you're not doing anything is completely ridiculous to me. As a person who has recovered (for the most part) from an E.D. and who has fully recovered from drug addiction, I know personally how difficult it can be.

Do what is good for you and don't worry about the foolishness from others. Even my opinion doesn't really matter. All that matter sis what you think and whwat you know is true.

Tons of love.

Angela said...

Awww, thanks Theresa! I love you so much<3 You are a wonderful friend, and I appreciate the encouragement:)

Cassandra Donnelly said...

I came across your blog because it was categorized as similiar to mine. I am an art therapist, artist, and also a survior of sexual abuse.

I love your artwork. It is brave of you to share your journey of recovery with us all. I can't comment on how far you've come, but what I do know is that your moving in the right direction. Writing and making art are useful and it's healing. It helps heal the trauma and is a good alternate coping skill to the addictions.

Healing really does take time. There will always be slow parts to the journey, but don't stop. Keep moving. Let the small, positive changes you're making propell you towards the big ones. Healing is done one step at a time! Hang in there!

P.s-Love your layout and design, too.