Trauma Therapy

Today I had my third trauma therapy session. I'm starting to feel more comfortable talking with him about specific details, and he also helps me to make more sense of my feelings, or at least validate that what I'm feeling is "normal." I was telling him what a difficult time emotionally I am having with journaling. Journaling for me is so much different from what I write here. I do realize that other people read this blog who are survivors of sexual abuse themselves. I would never go into detail here about my own trauma, as that could be triggering to other survivors, also it wouldn't make sense to anyone else. New memories come up for me, and I've been trying to write about them, but they are raw, bitter, and they hurt. After I had written one such journal entry, I called my primary therapist and told her that I couldn't come in to see her. (She is the one who has been encouraging me to journal outside of this blog.) I was having a panic attack as I talked to her voice mail. I just didn't think that I could bear going into my session and talking about that journal entry or anything pertaining to the new memory. I did end up going to the session, but I told her that I could not talk about or share anything in the journal. I wasn't sure why I felt so strongly about not sharing with her, because she knows many details of the rape, and I've shared with her more than anyone else in my life. I was talking to my trauma therapist about this and he said it goes back to keeping the sexual abuse a secret, and that in many ways the mind remembers this, and my instinct is to protect myself and still have it remain a secret. I told him that I almost ripped up the pages of my journal, but something held me back. He said he hoped that eventually I would feel safe enough to be able to share with either him or my primary therapist. He said that new memories usually don't come up unless we are able handle them. I think that it will help me to heal if I stop hiding and keeping secrets, so I am going to try to share on Wednesday with my primary therapist. I trust and feel safe with her. I asked my trauma therapist if it was okay to keep digging up the past like this...if it was healthy, and he said that some people can spend their entire lives suppressing their memories and painful events that have happened. In my case, I think that eventually all of the pain and memories had to be released. There were so many ways that I avoided those memories. I starved myself, I obsessively cleaned and made sure that my house and my kids were perfect. I couldn't stop for a second, and I ran as far away from myself and my feelings as I could get. It is okay that I'm digging up my past, because in the process, I'm digging myself out. It is okay, and I'm going to be okay.