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Monday, March 29, 2010

Trauma Therapy

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Today I had my third trauma therapy session. I'm starting to feel more comfortable talking with him about specific details, and he also helps me to make more sense of my feelings, or at least validate that what I'm feeling is "normal." I was telling him what a difficult time emotionally I am having with journaling. Journaling for me is so much different from what I write here. I do realize that other people read this blog who are survivors of sexual abuse themselves. I would never go into detail here about my own trauma, as that could be triggering to other survivors, also it wouldn't make sense to anyone else. New memories come up for me, and I've been trying to write about them, but they are raw, bitter, and they hurt. After I had written one such journal entry, I called my primary therapist and told her that I couldn't come in to see her. (She is the one who has been encouraging me to journal outside of this blog.) I was having a panic attack as I talked to her voice mail. I just didn't think that I could bear going into my session and talking about that journal entry or anything pertaining to the new memory. I did end up going to the session, but I told her that I could not talk about or share anything in the journal. I wasn't sure why I felt so strongly about not sharing with her, because she knows many details of the rape, and I've shared with her more than anyone else in my life. I was talking to my trauma therapist about this and he said it goes back to keeping the sexual abuse a secret, and that in many ways the mind remembers this, and my instinct is to protect myself and still have it remain a secret. I told him that I almost ripped up the pages of my journal, but something held me back. He said he hoped that eventually I would feel safe enough to be able to share with either him or my primary therapist. He said that new memories usually don't come up unless we are able handle them. I think that it will help me to heal if I stop hiding and keeping secrets, so I am going to try to share on Wednesday with my primary therapist. I trust and feel safe with her. I asked my trauma therapist if it was okay to keep digging up the past like this...if it was healthy, and he said that some people can spend their entire lives suppressing their memories and painful events that have happened. In my case, I think that eventually all of the pain and memories had to be released. There were so many ways that I avoided those memories. I starved myself, I obsessively cleaned and made sure that my house and my kids were perfect. I couldn't stop for a second, and I ran as far away from myself and my feelings as I could get. It is okay that I'm digging up my past, because in the process, I'm digging myself out. It is okay, and I'm going to be okay.

10 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

You are going to be okay. You are cleaning out an infected wound. Then the healing begins.You will make it!

Paula said...

From Nov last year til end of Jan this year I had intense trauma therapy with 35h per week. It helped tremendously. Yes, whatever comes up we can handle. We might fret, panic and sweat, however we are able to handle. Letting go the secret is another very difficult matter. I learned that whate ever happened was and is not MY responsibility, it is the responsibility of my abuser. HIs, and Only HIS, not and never mine. That helped me to leave the secret behind. Angela, you slowly but surely find your voice. That is so important. You speak up, with your T, here and that means as Wanda said you clean this deep, deep wound to finally start scaring. I remember an American saying: turning scars into stars. Whatever yu need to make it through and turning from survivor into a thriver, a winner is inside you. You have all it takes. You are strong and beautiful. You go girl. WE are all here and cheer you on.

Clueless said...

I know these thoughts and feeling all too well. This is a necessary step in your healing process. You will get through this, but it will be painful. And, you will survive you did when it happened. I hope this helps. (((((Angela))))

Nicole said...

*hugs*

Angie, I am so proud of you for taking these steps in your healing process. You never cease to amaze me and I am always in awe of your incredible strength and courage. I love you so much and I am truly grateful to have someone as inspirational and remarkable as you in my life.

All my love <3
Nicole

Angela said...

Thank you all. I have wonderful friends, and such awesome support. It means the world to me!

Ann said...

It sure is ok and so are you. Hugs to you

Miss Sara said...

Trauma Therapy… is a GOOD thing. I, too, have been going.

We can’t heal until we get through the past JUNK… that will help change our patterns, behaviors today. I truly believe that THIS is the ONLY way you are EVER going to FULLY conquer this eating disorder…

You’re moving in the right direction. I’m so proud of you & I wish you the best.

;-) Much Love, ALWAYS!

Meandu said...

In order to move forward we sometimes need to look at the past and put things into perspective. Good luck on your journey.

Sami Valens said...

I wish I had the will to work through my issues the way you are. I admire your dedication. You have been through hell and like me have learned so much about life because of it. Keep up the hard work and therapy.

Also I love the beautiful images on your blog!

I suffer from PTSD as well. I witnessed my 15 year old neice murder my boyfriends stepfather and I try to ignore the fact that it effects my depression and daily life. I can't afford therapy right now but even if I could I'm not sure I'd even have the will to go. I went through so much of it in the past that I kind of gave up. You are such a strong woman and an inspiration to many.

~Sami (Night Owl Arts)

Wanda's Wings said...

I am glad you have a place to deal with the really raw stuff. You are doing a great job. I am so inspired by your blog.