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Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Identity

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It's another early morning where I can't sleep. My mind is racing with thoughts, and I'm unable to slow them down. I also have the jitters from the medicine that I take, and that doesn't help matters. So here I am, writing and drinking coffee, because I already know that I won't be returning to bed. I really don't mind being quiet and alone, but I wish sometimes that there was a switch that could turn off my thoughts, or at least slow them down.
So far, yesterday went well with my new meal plan. I had a meal replacement drink for breakfast, and also ate lunch and dinner. That is a first since I don't remember when! My meals were pretty small, but still, I broke the rule in my head about one meal per day, and nothing bad happened to me. I also followed my limit of how much I could exercise. I used to over exercise, and that compulsion when I get on the treadmill is still there. I get fixated on the number of calories that I'm burning, and then I don't want to get off. The three meals did make me anxious, and I'm still worried. I worry that I'm going to gain weight with this plan. I have to remember that when I was in treatment, I ate the proper amount of calories, and when I had reached a healthy weight for my body, I stopped gaining. I really just want to maintain this weight without starving myself to do it. My nutritionist is always telling me that my metabolism will increase when I give it enough calories and exercise. Restriction only lowers my metabolism, and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I have to trust and believe that this is true, and the only way to find out is to do it, no matter how frightened that I am.
For so long, holding on to this eating disorder has felt like I'm somehow holding on to myself. Strangely I wonder if I will feel like I'm missing a piece of myself, or if I will finally find joy and freedom. You would think that I should know the answer to that question, but this has been my identity for a long time. I will find my way, it just may take me some time to do it.

6 Comments:

Paula said...

Dear One, yes you are up early. As long as I can remember I had a racing mind and endless chain of thoughts. never ending! I considered this NORMAL. During trauma therapy last year I learned it isnt normal at all. I got introdcued to progressive muscle relaxation Jacobson. There is a video about it at youtube! This way of tighten and releasing the tension is not only got for a immediate relayxation over time ( righly 6-8 months) it starts slwoing down your thoughts. By giving you small pauses between each thoguhts. Yet it takes practicing practicing practising the muscle relaxation. However it does work for me! My brain is still working high speed yet the are glimpses of "nothing" which are so oncredible calming to me. I can relate however how hard it is ahabit engrained for so many years needs time to break. It took you time to establish the habit of eating once a day only, to create a new habit will take time and patience. Maybe you give yourself every day a small trat at the end of the day. To honor your efforts.
Hugs across the pond

Ann said...

Think of it this way. The eating disorder is not your identity, it is the mask you wear to protect the real you. Take away the mask and let the real you shine. I'm betting that you and everyone else will love the REAL you.

Angela said...

Thanks, Paula! I will look into the relaxation video you suggested. I have a yoga video that I do sometimes that also helps. I just have a lot on my mind lately. Thanks for the hugs:)
You take care<3

Angela said...

Ann, you are right. For so long I have felt like I've worn a mask. It is exhausting, and definitely time to take it off! Hope you are having a great weekend:)
Take care<3

Anonymous said...

You know that the "new you" is not really the "new you". It is the you that has always been there and for reasons that you know, you did not like the real you. Just so you know, I LOVE the REAL YOU!!! Even if the rest of the world does not.

Superman

Poetic Shutterbug said...

First, I think it's wonderful that you had your three meals that day. I have to say too those racing thoughts especially in the middle of the night are something in which we all experience and for different reasons. It's been said that our creativity is at an all time high around 3 to 5 in the morning. So, getting up and doing something is the way to go.