I made an appointment for an extra therapy session this week. I'm honestly not sure why, when I don't think that I can talk. The words feel stuck somewhere between my chest and my throat...as if I could literally choke on them. Maybe that is why I feel the need to get it out, if I can. I've been having vivid dreams of my abuse, and I want to tell my therapist about them, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it will rip me apart inside. Haven't I cried enough tears over it? How many more can there be? Pulling away from everyone, muting my voice, and numbing out with the eating disorder all make me feel protected. Nothing can hurt me if I put up my walls to keep all of the pain away. My therapist is always telling me that if I don't feel the pain, then I can't feel the joy, but I'm not sure that I believe that is true, or maybe, as sad as this sounds, I don't think the intense joy is worth the pain. I don't know. I still smile, I can still laugh out loud. I love to watch my boys, and find humor in their conversations and antics. I don't think anyone looking at me sees how lifeless, sad, and scared that I feel, or at least I hope that they don't. Covering up my feelings also makes me feel safe, even from the people that I love. The years of silence still have me in a death grip, and I know that only I can release it's hold on me.
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I do know having been abused that getting it out does help. Some of the "coping" skills we use to protect ourselves are really harmful. I'm am glad you are able to enjoy your boys. They are are most precious gift and do bring us joy. I do know that "numbing out" can prevent you from feeling full joy. Keep trying to get this "stuff" out. If you ever need someone to talk to just email me. Standing in there with you.
So often, the things we do to protect ourselves end up destroying us. It pains me to know that you are hurting so much, Angie. I am really proud of you for reaching out to your therapist and I know that took a lot of strength on your part.
Don’t worry if you can’t get the words out just yet. I hope it will bring you some relief to be with someone who can sit with you and understand, even if you just sit together in silence, at least you won’t feel so alone. ED thrives on secrecy, shame and isolation. Maybe if you can let go of the secrets, it will help to release the shame that feeds on those secrets and festers in the silence. I’m so sorry these memories and dreams are taking such a devastating toll on you. I hope you will remember your remarkable strength and be able to reclaim your power.
You have such a beautiful light inside of you, Angie. Don’t let ED smother it.
I love you and I'm thinking of you <3<3<3
*hugs and more hugs*
Nicole
Some day you will get tired of feeling this way and you will let it all go.
i can't imagine what you're feeling. this must be so, so painful.
I understand protecting ourselves from terrible memories and feelings, but i do think that keeping things inside just makes them fester and we end up taking it all out on ourselves.
cutting, binging, starving, drinking -- so hurting ourselves. it seems like these are the tools we use to try to comfort ourselves and keep things down and (sort of) buried.
but i'm not telling you what to do. bringing up such hard memories always has it's outcomes.
take care. know you are entitled to anything you feel. and glad you're taking extra time with your therapist. she sounds like a good one.
Thinking of you. Glad you reached out. Seeking more therapy is a step into releasing it. I have done it, faced the core wound, went through and I am building LIFE. Glorious days, inner smiles, and life becomes so simple. Surely there is work to be done. But from an different view point then.
Hugs to you!
I relate to this so much. Bless you. I like that you trusted yourself enough to make that extra appointment. Lately I have said that it feels like I should whisper things in my Dr's ear because they are so hard to say out loud. I am rooting for you.
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