Sunday, October 3, 2010

Never Them


I've had a good weekend. Dave and I went out on Friday night, and that was fun, and much needed. I needed to laugh with friends and let loose. I feel like I've been tied in knots for weeks. I've also done really well with food in the past four days, and yes, I'm counting the days. They are important. I ate dinner last night with my family, which hasn't happened a lot lately, and strangely, I haven't felt guilty for the food that I've eaten. I think that I'm finally getting that I must take care of myself in order to feel good about myself. I didn't think that I was going to be able to turn things around. I felt so stuck.
My therapy sessions helped this week. One session was spent talking to my therapists back, but I was able to speak. I couldn't bear to see her eyes for some reason, but the words came spilling out, and it was a relief. The next session was spent sobbing huge, ugly tears, but the world didn't end. The pain didn't rip me apart like I thought it would. I feel a wholeness in myself that I don't think I have ever felt. My therapist talks a lot about taking back my power, and not letting them win, and those words are sinking in now. I want to be the winner in this life. Never them...never them.


Paula said...

Tears, pain and grieving are part of the process for all the things which were and all those which never should have happened. You made progress, such an improvement on your journey traveling towards the rainbow! Hugs across the pond

Nicole said...

I am so glad to know that you had a better weekend and I am very, very proud of you for opening up to your therapist even though you were feeling ambivalent before your session. It's so good that you were able to feel a bit of relief after releasing some of the pain you have secretly held in your heart for such a long time.

All of my love <3<3<3

Flannery said...

Yes! Never Them!

I'm so happy to see you're feeling better in yourself. ((hugs))

I Hate to Weight said...

great, brave work! it is so, so hard to look at the stuff.

i tell myself not to let them win. it helps.

hope you continue to feel some relief.

Ann said...

I'm so happy to hear you sounding better. I really was worried about you there for a while. Glad you had a good time with Dave. You deserve it big time.

Veronica said...

Four days of doing well with food... that's awesome! :)

and I *hate* being emotional in therapy but like you said -- the world does not end when the tears come. Thanks for the reminder :)

Wanda's Wings said...

I am so happy for you. I'm glad you were able to let go of some of the stuff that has been holding you back go. Four days doing well with food, Yeah! I am very proud of you.

Anonymous said...

So as you can see, I have been catching up and I was not sure I wanted to keep reading. I am glad there was sunlight at the end of the tunnel. SEE, it does not hurt to feel good or to step into the light of the sun. Sometimes when you are in the tunnels of your mind, you might want to turn on the light and stop using the flash light. I know you do not want to hear this, but fun is not to be the mask. It is suppose to be who you are and who you want to be. If it is just the mask, then what is really underneath? That is the scary thing about you, but I like being scared because I am not scared of anything. That is why I have the S tatted on my chest, lol.


From Here to There. In Purple. said...

baby steps my darling! i'm glad you were able to enjoy much of this weekend-- it goes well deserved. so proud of you :)