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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Learning To Fly

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I am on day 7 of doing well with my eating, and I'm not really having many uncomfortable emotions. I'm also feeling pretty good about my body. I only wish that I didn't rely on other's perceptions of what I look like. There are people at work that are always telling me how thin I am, and although I have a hard time comprehending that, I do have to say that it makes me feel good. I would like to believe it for myself though, and I also wish that being thin wasn't so important to me. That is something that I will work on, among other things.
I feel more alive than I've felt in awhile. My therapy helped so much last week, and so did the talk with my nutritionist. She gave me some ideas for small steps that I could make with my meal plan that wouldn't overwhelm me. I'm slowly adding food, and I'm up to eating two protein bars and dinner. I know it's not all that I need, but it is what I feel comfortable with right now.
At my last therapy session, my therapist gave me a pewter stone that says WISDOM on it. She said that she wanted me to listen to the wise voice inside myself, and to let it guide me. I'm trying to slow down the endless chatter in my mind so that I can hear it better. I have decisions and choices to make about how I want to live my life, and I've taken some things off the table. One of those things is wanting to give up and end it all. I've been so down on myself lately...thinking scary thoughts, and in a very dark place, but now I'm feeling the warmth and light. I do have so much to live for, and I'm realizing that I'm not such a horrible person. A horrible thing happened to me, but that doesn't make me broken and unworthy of life and love. Maybe I'm finally learning to fly.

9 Comments:

From Here to There. In Purple. said...

Girl,
You are learning to fly. You're rediscovering how to use the wings you ALREADY possess.

you might (no you probably) WILL fall. but don't let that stop you. with every fall comes greater success.

Lee said...

attagirl!

Anonymous said...

What a rollercoaster ride!

Wanda's Wings said...

Your progress sound wonderful. Seeing some light is a great thing. I am very proud of you. Wishing you the best.

Ann said...

It's so great to hear you sounding cheery again. Keep it up.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

Angela, you are sounding good and hopeful. I like what you are eating each day and as long as you feel comfortable that's what matters. If it feels right, it is right. I'm so happy to hear all of this from you.

Fire Byrd said...

With my clients who hate their bodies I suggest that not only do they listen to people around them, but more importantly they look at their hands at what they achieve, typing, cleaning cooking whatever. And that they think about how wonderful their hands are for achieving such tasks. I move on to their eyes without which they wouldn't be able to see those tasks. Then their brains, muscles and bits of their body they use for all the things they do. It doesn't make them 'like' how they look but it starts to change the thinking of self hate into realising that without those beautiful hands they couldn't have held anyone elses hand.
It's just a focus that when filled with self hate any other thought gets crowded out and it's worth holding onto.


There is a Buddhist saying that works I think.....
Whilst you are remembering yesterday, and dreaming about tomorrow, life is happening right now.

Check out Mindfulness it helps to find a way to live in the moment.

Good luck with your journey.
x

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Angie said...

Are you learning to fly, or learning to allow yourself to fly? The second is so much harder than the first...