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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sick and Twisted

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I feel lost, and as if I don't even know in which direction that I want to go in. I'm stuck in a destructive pattern of making one bad mistake after another, and for those, I want to punish myself. I soothe myself by doing the one thing that I know I'm good at, and that is going hungry. My therapist told me today that I need to prove to myself that I can eat even when I'm anxious and under stress, but that is just the last thing that I want to do. I guess I really want to prove that I can still starve myself, and I know how sick and twisted that sounds. It has always been my way of feeling like everything is in control when inside I feel so out of control. I don't have any idea of what I'm going to do to fix this, and the sad thing is that I don't know if I want to anymore. Staying here feels safe, or at least safer than jumping off the cliff into the unknown. I want to believe that I won't get too sick. I will be able to stop when I'm thinner. When I'm thinner, everything will be alright.

10 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling so.

Emmy said...

hey babe, I really understand how you feel right now. As crazy as it seems, the best way to relieve your anxiety ultimately is to eat. for me, when I'm anxious i have absolutely no appetite, but learning to eat when I really dont want to honestly makes me feel SO much better in the end. you just need to trust your therapist. I know it's scary and hard, but all you need is a little strength to try it, and you will become stronger the more you do it. i believe in you. much love xoxo

Angela said...

Thanks Emmy. I know that I need to learn to do what I don't think that I'm strong enough to do. To do the next right thing, like I learned while in treatment. Thanks for believing in me. Now I just need to believe in myself.

clean and crazy said...

hang in there girl, you can push through this. you deserve to be happy inside and out.

you are in my prayers and thoughts

stigma no more said...

Dear Angela, I wish I knew exactly the right words to say, but I will say I admire your honesty and you continue to inspire me to be honest myself on my blogs. Keep fighting my friend, you are a survivor for sure
Take Care,
Janet :)

Ann said...

Oh Angela, I so wish I could make things better for you. Listen to your therapist. You've already proven that you are very good at starving yourself. You don't have to keep doing it.

HONEY said...

this is not your inner soul posting! this is ED. and it's scaring me!
please stop it and trust the unknown. the unknown can only make you healthier, everything in the other direction - the ED - will make you sicker and sicker and sicker.

i'm sending you strength!

xoxo

Just Be Real said...

Here listening Angela. I know struggling can be so very hard. ((((Angela))))

Anonymous said...

This is a dangerous game you are playing!!!! The mistakes are not really mistakes. It is called life and we have difficult situations that each of us go through everyday. Some of us deal with life "stuff" in different ways. Some do it in a "healthy" ways and some of us "unhealthy" ways. Most of the time we know how we are dealing with life and make a conscious choice to do what we do. You almost make it sound like it is not a choice and that something else is in control of you. The cycle was created by someone and it can be broken by the same person, but that person has to want to stop the cycle. If you could break the cycle, the thing or things you want will come back. The hurtful cycle keeps them away because they are scared of what the cycle can do to them. It is called the game of life and we all are caught in it and we have to learn how to play the game to survive.

Superman

Sunny said...

I am going through the same thing. I think mine has to do with medication too though. I have to force myself to eat and when I'm stressed or anxious, it really is difficult. I have to eat based on time, not hunger these days because I'm not feeling hunger pangs like I should.

If I don't watch the time, I forget to eat.

Good luck.