Dreams And Aspirations

"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ~Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven

I'm feeling lonely and a bit sad, although I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think a certain amount of it is my own detachment when life gets difficult. I guess I'm not that great at handling stress or something. Money is beyond tight, Justice's 15th birthday is today, we can't afford a gift for him, and my job is causing me anxiety. My husband told me not to talk about my job here in case the people that I work with read it. I suppose he is right, but his comment still bothered me. He worries that I divulge too much of myself here, and the criticism hurts me. It is another thing that I'm not so great at..taking criticism. My inner voice isn't being so kind at the moment. I think of all of the things that
I should be feeling grateful for, and instead all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself.
I will begin by reminding myself of what I have. I have a healthy family at the moment, a roof over our heads, a job which I know is hard to come by for many people right now. We have had it much worse before, when my husband was sick and we were fighting for him to get disability. We almost lost everything, and it was a very frightening time in our lives. I was thankful to get a job working for our school district. It was a job that allowed me to still be home for the boys, and working with students with autism is rewarding in many ways. I think that I'm just burned out from working with the aggressive kids. I need to try and make the best of things with a more positive attitude!
Writing really does seem to help me find a way to sort everything out in my mind. My therapist has been pushing me to try to get my poetry published, and although it makes me feel good that she believes in me so much, I'm afraid of the rejection that submitting my manuscript may bring. I'm seriously thinking about pursuing it though. It will never happen if I don't try. I've also thought of self-publishing, but that takes some money, which I definitely don't have at the moment. I need to have a dream and a goal to strive for. Life just isn't quite the same without dreams and aspirations, and I want so much more than to only feel like I'm going through the motions day by day.