Sunday, October 31, 2010

Dreams And Aspirations


"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ~Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven

I'm feeling lonely and a bit sad, although I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think a certain amount of it is my own detachment when life gets difficult. I guess I'm not that great at handling stress or something. Money is beyond tight, Justice's 15th birthday is today, we can't afford a gift for him, and my job is causing me anxiety. My husband told me not to talk about my job here in case the people that I work with read it. I suppose he is right, but his comment still bothered me. He worries that I divulge too much of myself here, and the criticism hurts me. It is another thing that I'm not so great at..taking criticism. My inner voice isn't being so kind at the moment. I think of all of the things that
I should be feeling grateful for, and instead all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself.
I will begin by reminding myself of what I have. I have a healthy family at the moment, a roof over our heads, a job which I know is hard to come by for many people right now. We have had it much worse before, when my husband was sick and we were fighting for him to get disability. We almost lost everything, and it was a very frightening time in our lives. I was thankful to get a job working for our school district. It was a job that allowed me to still be home for the boys, and working with students with autism is rewarding in many ways. I think that I'm just burned out from working with the aggressive kids. I need to try and make the best of things with a more positive attitude!
Writing really does seem to help me find a way to sort everything out in my mind. My therapist has been pushing me to try to get my poetry published, and although it makes me feel good that she believes in me so much, I'm afraid of the rejection that submitting my manuscript may bring. I'm seriously thinking about pursuing it though. It will never happen if I don't try. I've also thought of self-publishing, but that takes some money, which I definitely don't have at the moment. I need to have a dream and a goal to strive for. Life just isn't quite the same without dreams and aspirations, and I want so much more than to only feel like I'm going through the motions day by day.


Ann said...

I agree with your therapist you should try and get your poetry published. you are very good.
I do agree that there should be some caution taken when writing about work, you really never know, but I don't think just talking about having a bad day or how your day went in general can do much harm. then again what do I know? I'm just

Wanda's Wings said...

You write beautiful poetry. I agree with your therapist you should try. I don't think you are giving out information that can be traced to where you work. Some times we all need vent. Your are a very beautiful person. Take Care!


Paula said...

Your poetry is touching, genuine and amazingly beautiful. Dreams are something real goo to- follow your dreams, they know the way! I remember critics I didnt take easily either. What I see by now is however that it gets easier to deal with since I am more integrated. Hugs to you

Anonymous said...

How is it possible that you could walk away from this life you have!? I think you should publish you poetry. It does not matter if you make millions or pennies. Failure is not trying!! Money is not the determiner if poetry or life is good or not. That goes for anything in life. Money is not the goal of life!!