Monday, November 1, 2010

That I Would Be Good

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That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you

~ Alanis Morissette

So many times I've felt like a failure, and like I give up too easily on myself, and even other people. I feel such a distance between myself and everyone else, and that makes for a very lonely existence. I'm afraid that if anyone gets too close they will see all of my faults, and stop caring about me. I'm guarded, even with my husband...especially him. I keep certain things to myself, like when I have panic attacks or when I dissociate. Those things cause me shame and embarrassment, and I don't want to seem crazy. Even when I have nightmares, I'm afraid to wake him up and seem too needy. I don't think that I'm handling my life very well at the moment. I feel like I'm incompetent at my job because nothing is improving with the child that I'm working with. I don't want to give up, but maybe I will have to, and that makes me angry at myself. I also don't want to let other people down or make them think less of me, so I'm hesitant to say anything to my supervisors. Being unable to stick up for myself doesn't make me feel good either though. I go around and around, and I end up in the same place...nowhere, which is a very empty place to be.


Anonymous said...

Look at that, I am the first one to respond. What does that say?? All I have to say is, you know these voices in your head are not right. What do YOU believe??


Wanda's Wings said...

It sounds like your hubby really wants to be there for you. There is no shame in panic attacks or dissociation. These are tools we used to survive. I have lived with some of these thing since I was a child. I am just barely beginning through therapy to accept that it's OK to be me. I see that in your writing too. Just continue to love and care for yourself because you my friend are worth it!

Paula said...

Angela, there is a big difference in being needy and being in need. Dissociations I have become to appreciate because they tell me clearly that my plate is full and I have to have a closer look! No experience with panic attacks. It is hard to allow help and support, It is hard to learn. It is part of selfcare to do for yourself what you can and aks for help when you cant. If I would be in your husbands position, I guess I would feel left out, pushed aside. Excluded.
We all are worthy because we are children of the universe. We are enough as we are. Love ya