A Reason And A Purpose

"If we were our name tags,
If we were our rejections,
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you.
If we were our indignities,
If we were our successes,
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you."

I often think that all I am is my imperfections, flaws, and limitations. I wonder what is the point of my existence here, and do I make a difference. I have to remind myself that I'm not only my flaws or successes. I am here for a reason and a purpose, although I may never know what that is. We all touch each other, and impact upon this world in different and important ways. I feel tremendous guilt and shame that there have been times and attempts to want to end my life. It is my own self hatred that precipitates these feelings. When you don't love yourself, for whatever reasons, it makes it seem so simple to want to get out. All that I want is to be free of pain. When self medication doesn't work i.e. starving, drinking, self injury, etc..., the idea of ending it all becomes a very powerful force. It is like a deadly cancer that spreads through the body, infecting everything it touches. I had never thought of anorexia as suicidal until my therapist said that I was slowly killing myself. I guess I wanted to believe that it was all about being thin, when in reality it has nothing to do with that. Yes, I've wanted to die, and that is shameful to admit to myself. It is a thought that often crosses my mind. I obsess over ways in which to end it all. I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person, and when those thoughts enter my mind, it is unfortunately easy to forget about how the decision to do so would impact upon others. When I'm in that state, I don't truly believe that I matter or make a difference to anyone. I feel like I'm a burden, and that everyone would be better off without me. I'm often irrational in my thinking...seeing things in either black or white. The shades of grey escape me, and I get lost within the darkness of my own shadows. Where is this post going? I suppose that I want to try to explain suicidal thinking. I don't expect or want anyone to see my side. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been there, but I hope that if you suspect that someone is in that state, you will reach out. You will let that person know that they are not alone, and that they are important. We all need to hear those words. In my case, I tend to isolate myself from everyone. I try to make myself less important. That is my way of crying out for help. Silence is my weapon and my scream to be heard. I know how deceiving and confusing that must be to those closest to me. Look for the signs of suicidal behavior~

•Talking about suicide.
•Looking for ways to die (internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for guns, pills, etc.) (I tended to hoard my medication so that I would have enough for an overdose.)
•Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
•Preoccupation with death.
•Loss of interest in things one cares about.
•Visiting or calling people one cares about.
•Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
•Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255): Suicide hotline, 24/ 7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/