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Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Reason And A Purpose

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"If we were our name tags,
If we were our rejections,
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you.
If we were our indignities,
If we were our successes,
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you."

I often think that all I am is my imperfections, flaws, and limitations. I wonder what is the point of my existence here, and do I make a difference. I have to remind myself that I'm not only my flaws or successes. I am here for a reason and a purpose, although I may never know what that is. We all touch each other, and impact upon this world in different and important ways. I feel tremendous guilt and shame that there have been times and attempts to want to end my life. It is my own self hatred that precipitates these feelings. When you don't love yourself, for whatever reasons, it makes it seem so simple to want to get out. All that I want is to be free of pain. When self medication doesn't work i.e. starving, drinking, self injury, etc..., the idea of ending it all becomes a very powerful force. It is like a deadly cancer that spreads through the body, infecting everything it touches. I had never thought of anorexia as suicidal until my therapist said that I was slowly killing myself. I guess I wanted to believe that it was all about being thin, when in reality it has nothing to do with that. Yes, I've wanted to die, and that is shameful to admit to myself. It is a thought that often crosses my mind. I obsess over ways in which to end it all. I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person, and when those thoughts enter my mind, it is unfortunately easy to forget about how the decision to do so would impact upon others. When I'm in that state, I don't truly believe that I matter or make a difference to anyone. I feel like I'm a burden, and that everyone would be better off without me. I'm often irrational in my thinking...seeing things in either black or white. The shades of grey escape me, and I get lost within the darkness of my own shadows. Where is this post going? I suppose that I want to try to explain suicidal thinking. I don't expect or want anyone to see my side. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been there, but I hope that if you suspect that someone is in that state, you will reach out. You will let that person know that they are not alone, and that they are important. We all need to hear those words. In my case, I tend to isolate myself from everyone. I try to make myself less important. That is my way of crying out for help. Silence is my weapon and my scream to be heard. I know how deceiving and confusing that must be to those closest to me. Look for the signs of suicidal behavior~

Talking about suicide.
•Looking for ways to die (internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for guns, pills, etc.) (I tended to hoard my medication so that I would have enough for an overdose.)
•Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
•Preoccupation with death.
•Loss of interest in things one cares about.
•Visiting or calling people one cares about.
•Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
•Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255): Suicide hotline, 24/ 7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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8 Comments:

Lee said...

You are not alone and you are so very important.
All my love,
Lee

Wanda's Wings said...

Remember you are not a lone. You have so many people that care for you. I have the same dark feeling I struggle with and when I'm like that I am afraid of myself. The relieve from cutting on last a few minutes. I worry since I have spent time recently getting my things in order and giving thing away that along with the dark thought of death the end would be near. Maybe we can give each other enough support that we will chose life. Try to find one reason a day to life. Very often the only reason I can think of is my daughter. What would that do to her. Please take care of yourself. I wish you could see yourself as others do. Hugs my friend,

Fantas Writer said...

I am moved. Often my poetry has dealt with death and the ways in which it has affected me and those around me. I would hope that we all have the courage to reach out to those who stuggle with contemplating suicide.

Lily said...

You are not alone at all. I could have written this post, the only difference being that I don't feel guilty about wanting to die. When you feel as alive as I do, why should I feel bad?

Angela said...

I hope that no one got the wrong idea about this post. I'm definitely not suicidal at the moment. I just wanted to share my experiences and my thought process on the subject, and encourage people to reach out and get help for their loved ones or themselves.

From Here to There. In Purple. said...

this was so brave of you, beautiful girl.

i think its important that you shared this message and provided your readers and admirers with important resources.

every life is worth living. REALLY living.

I Hate to Weight said...

"All that I want is to be free of pain."

Very powerful. so simple. and yet, drugs, drinking, starving, cutting -- we end up in so much more pain.

if only we could really see that.

angela, you're writing is always...i don't know the truly right word, but it's amazing

Ruth said...

Awesome post! Love ya honey, take care. (((((HUGS)))))