Sunday, November 21, 2010

Take A Ride


The slate grey clouds are darker than the twilight sky, and the trees, with both graceful and gnarled branches, stand silhouetted against the dusk of night. The houses whirl by with golden lights appearing in windows, shadows moving behind curtains. The glass is foggy on the inside, so I write my name in cursive, which I've just learned, and then I draw a heart beside it. Pleased with myself, I smile outwardly, and catching a glimpse of my reflection, I make a funny face.

The memory stops there, but I often go back to it. It is simple, and at a time in my life when I didn't have much to worry about. I've always loved car rides, as long as I'm the passenger. The world feels muted and I become mesmerized by the scenery blurring all around me. My mind feels pleasantly, unchemically buzzed, and all that I hear is white noise, tuning everything out. I welcome being outside of my head with it's twists, turns, and constant commotion. I don't find that very often anymore. I scrutinize every move that I make, putting myself beneath my own microscope, and more often than not, falling short of my own expectations. Where did that little girl go? The one who could find humor in her own funny faces. I know that she has to be somewhere inside of me, buried beneath all of the fears and insecurities that have accumulated over the years. She has always been the brave one, and here I am, still running scared. She lived through the terror, holding it inside day after day, and as I grew older, I gave my voice away. Now I've found safe people with whom I can speak my words, and when it all gets to be too much, I can take a ride.


Wanda's Wings said...

Angela, she is still inside. I had thought my inner child had died, but every now and then she will slip out bringing smiles and laughter again! Wishing you the peace of an innocent child again.

Ann said...

That little girl is still there you just need to invite her out to play more often :)

Paula said...

I experienced that all is still there. Under layers of fear, paina nd insecurities. But Little Angela is still there. She is just waiting for you! Love form my heart to yours!

Lisa said...

Hey. I'm Lisa from reach Out hold back where is safety. I'm back in the blogging world. I believe that you can channel that happy girl again. YOU CAN.

I believe in you.
Take Care. Hold on tight, you can do this

Lily said...

She's there right with mine... and I tend to like driving rather than riding so lets get in the car and go!