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Monday, December 13, 2010

Going Away

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Flashes of being raped. Sometimes I just say here that I have flashbacks, because it sounds gentler than also saying the word rape. No one wants to hear or say that word. It's harsh and ugly, and brings up feelings of shame, which I'm learning to let go of. I say that I'm learning, but does anyone really understand how real those memories are? I can feel the weight, hear my heart, taste the bile, and smell the sharpness of their breath...I'm eleven and I think I may die. I make myself go away, and still, and still, I do. I've had this habit of disappearing ever since. Telling secrets makes a part of you that was lost come back to life. Do you understand being silent for so long? It is like when a part of your body falls asleep, and then begins to wake up...the painful prick of pins and needles. I'm real, and alive, and I'll never make it go away, just like I really can't make myself go away. There is this illusion I have of starving away the pain and making myself so small that the hurt is somehow diminished. The sad part is that at my very sickest and lowest weight, I don't remember what that felt like. Did I hurt less? Was I really as numb as I hoped I was, because if I was, then there is a part of me that longs to go back.

10 Comments:

HopefullyGrowing said...

I wasn't as numb as I pretend, I don't think. You aren't alone.

Clueless said...

I can really relate to your words. I remember "playing" around with the word "rape." I still have difficulty hearing it or saying or thinking that word. I was quite numb and dissociated and repressed my memories. I also used the defenses of ED. Both ED and remembering are painful, if you really think about it.

My memories especially the bodily ones were the most difficult along with having no control of when I would have a flashback.

Hang in there. With hard work, I promise it will get better. Take it from someone who knows.

Wanda's Wings said...

I personally know that being raped for ever changes you. I don't know how to help, but to let you know I care and am listening. Hold on you are worth it.

Flannery said...

I don't know how to help either, except to offer love and support, and to say that the raw honesty of this post is as powerful as anything.

The Painted Veil said...

I went through some of what you are going through now when I was in my mid 30's.

Until then I had kept everything repressed. I self medicated and as you know I too have an eating disorder. Thanks goodness mine has been under control for some years now.

Now, back to when the feelings I had repressed for so long came rushing up. They knocked me for a loop and I wound up hospitalized. I had a complete nervous breakdown.

It has taken me a long time but I have let go of all of the anger and shame. I have forgiven my rapist and also my abusers.

When you get to this point the freedom is wonderful. I always keep you in my thoughts and will pray you find your freedom soon!
Hugs,
Jackie
P.S. The secret is forgiveness!

Just Be Real said...

(((((Angela)))))
Thank you for being transparent. So very sorry for your pain dear one. Here listening.....

The Painted Veil said...

(((((((((Angela)))))))))
That's all!
Jackie<3

Anonymous said...

As long as you are a prisoner to these memories you are giving your rapists total power over your life. They have won and you have lost. Every single human being has the power to choose the life they want, no matter how traumatic their past has been, no matter how many times they have been abused, no matter how many times they have been neglected. This blog was a tool for you to work through this trauma in your life and maybe after all of this time, you need to concede that it's not working. Yes, you can argue that you are reaching out to others and helping other people deal with their problems, but perhaps you need to start doing it as a victor and not a victim. Be a positive influence in someone's life and stop dwelling on the negativity in your life and start showing people how you can survive! survive! survive! survive! with grace and humility and with no more excuses!

Angela said...

All that I can say to you is what my therapist said to me last week. "This is a long process." Healing takes time, and this blog helps me to make more sense of things in my mind. I have to get the thoughts out. You can choose not to read them. I shoved those memories down for so long, that it makes sense that they are coming up now.

Anonymous said...

Words are very powerful. They give off an energy that can change our lives. If we can speak positively than our lives will react to that. We will always get back what we put out into the universe. If we speak of being defeated and depressed and lost and sad then that is what our life will become.