Yesterday I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I felt so awful and out of sorts. I could kick myself for being so careless with my medication, because I know that is a majority of the problem. Dave and the boys helped my brother and sister-in-law move all day yesterday, so I had the house to myself. It was quiet, and I was lonely for all of my family. My parents and brother live in Florida, and I miss getting ready for the holiday's with them. I went to the staff party last night, but it was very hard to make myself go. I work with a great classroom of people, but for some reason I was anxious inside. I did manage to eat there, although I hadn't eaten anything else all day. Who cares about my daily intake? I don't even care anymore. I'm not eating much, I don't want to eat. When I get like this, my mind tells me that all I need to do is lose some weight, and I will be happy. Sometimes I feel like the eating disorder makes me fly. Isn't that strange? It gives me a certain high that is addictive in a way. Today is better. I'm empty, and that feels good. I called my therapist yesterday, which I hate to do on the weekend. She wants me to reach out for my family when I get like this, and I almost did, but I couldn't quite make myself. I don't want to be a burden, or make them sad.
I know this post is all over the place. I'm feeling a bit manic, but I also feel like getting some things done. This is my last week of work before the winter break. I haven't done any shopping yet, but plan on doing it while I'm off. I had the boys make lists yesterday. They don't ask for much. All that was on my youngests list was a pair of shoes. It gets harder to buy for them as they get older. The days of toys are over. Well, enough of my rambling. I'm off to hang the stockings:)
P.S. It was so windy last night, and it began to snow while I was driving home from the party. It looked like glitter flying all around, and was so very beautiful. Glitter is my favorite!
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6 Comments:
It funny how much harder it is to buy for your children as they get older. Sounds like the decorations have begun with the stocking all hung. I'm glad you were able to reach out to your therapist. That can even be hard. Enjoy one thing today for yourself.
You'll never be happy this way!
paper your house with glitter. i don't know why i said that. i love glitter too. i have it on my nails right now. also like glittery gold eye shadow. and sparkly shirts. anything that shimmers makes me happy.
but we don't need to be happy. we do need to eat. it may be really uncomfortable and even miserable BUT we can tolerate it. as so much of our lives are already uncomfortable and miserable, we see can get thru it. it won't be fun, but it is the thing to do.
this wasn't a lecture for you. just something i'm realizing although i absolutely like to feel light.
hope i didn't seem like i was telling you what to do. i support YOU no matter what.
take care. the holidays are soooo difficult. i can't wait for the new year, myself. love, melissa
There is no recovery rule that says we have to be cheery, smiley and happy all the time. In fact.. just dealing with mental illness is a bitch. Hang in there , you've got support around you. YOU CAN DO THIS
xoxo
-Lisa
whether you reach out or not
your family should be sensitively aware of what you are currently goin' through...
not all days are sad,
& there will always be a reason
to be happy O:)
I just want to say Hi to Everyone!
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