Saturday, December 11, 2010

In Five Years


I've been listening to the things that people have been doing to get ready for the holiday's...the shopping, baking, decorating, and I've done nothing. I haven't had any energy or holiday cheer, but I plan on finding it, and fast! I waver between determination and apathy at any given moment. Today I'm going to push myself to move forward. On Thursday my nutritionist gave me an assignment to write about where I want to be in five years, and to write it as if I didn't have my eating disorder. To say I'm stuck is putting it mildly. I have no idea. I think all that I can focus on right now is doing what I can to take care of myself for today. I'm going to tell her that I'm not ready for the assignment. Today I took my meds, and I'm going to eat something before I go shopping. Tonight I'm worried about the staff holiday party. It will be hard for me to eat during the day when I know that I will be expected to eat tonight. Five years from now it would be nice not to worry about that! The tree will go up tomorrow, so those are my plans for the weekend. Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend:)


I Hate to Weight said...

i think that might be enough for your nutritionist, no? a life where you don't worry about eating during the day when you know you're expected to eat at night.

that's a whole lot. it doesn't even matter what else you're doing if you don't have THAT "weight" on you

good luck and take care.

Lisa said...

I have a really hard time forcing myself to see my nutritionist...well actually I just failed and canceled my last appt..

I live alone and I walk around stores seeing holiday stuff everywhere... and sometimes I wish that I would want to buy some of the stuff and be festive myself...but I never do.

I've been in a state of having a lot of trouble eating as well... hang in there


ps- can you see my blog now that it's private?

Wanda's Wings said...

That's asking a lot when you live day to day. Five years and no eating disorder, that is a tough one! Good luck with her request, but better luck making it so you can enjoy the holidays and make some memories with your family!!!!

Tiptoe said...

It's hard thinking about 5 years from now. For most of us, it is bout living day to day. However, I think as we do get better with recovery, this can become easier. For a long time I could see no future at all and had the mentality of "it doesn't get any better than this." But it can.

Maybe it's not so much that your Nutritionist wants you to think about the time of five years but rather to allow yourself to give you hope, give long terms goals.

Ann said...

I would have a hard time myself writing about where i want to be in 5 years. I prefer just to take it all one day at a time :)

Angela said...

Lisa, I can't get to your blog. It says invited readers only. Invite me:)

The Painted Veil said...

Wow...5 years is asking a lot. I wouldn't be able to write my plans down for tomorrow.

I live from moment to moment and pray I am able to keep my focus and not fall back in between each moment.

You do sound much more assertive today. I am glad to hear that.

As for Christmas, I find as I am getting older it gets harder and harder for me to get into the mood too.

I hope your day today is a good one!!

elk said...

Doing what you can to take care of yourself for today is a massive achievment. All those todays add up :) Maybe one day, like that five years from now, they'll have added up to being in that worry free place.

I always get a bit overwhelmed when asked questions along the lines of "where do you want to be in five year...ten years.." etc. Tomorrow is overwhelming enough, not to mention the moment we are currently in.

Oh, and I get you with the not having done anything for the festivities yet. Though there's still time, right?? One year, just one year, I'd like to get to Christmas eve without thinking "Oh am I not organised AGAIN?"

I hope the staff party wasn't too stressful.

ps. You had me at "Bollock's is a perfectly lovely word". :)

Angela said...

For some reason all of your comments bring tears to my eyes. I'm blessed with such kind friends. Thank you all!

Sia Jane said...

I am just going to try to be honest here, and you may not like it because, well, some people don't and yet, I wouldn't want to patronise you and talk to you as though you are not a beautifully intelligent, articulate young woman.
5 years. In 5 years, if you don't eat today, in 5 years you won't be eating then.
Eating disorders have a habit on growing ON us not out of us.
They don't change, unless we actively change what they do to us.
Which, unfortunately for us, means eating.
It means sticking to our appointments, it means reaching out, it means doing something differently.
Recovery is active, which means if we are not actively recovering, there really isn't too much healing.
That doesn't mean you just wake up tomorrow and are "normal" when it comes to food.
It means taking each day at a time, BUT you HAVE to think about the bigger picture.
You have to think about ahead, and goals, and where you would even like to be ED wise in 3 months.
It is a process and it is on going.
But the more you starve, restrict lose weight, the further that ideal in 5 years will become.
You have great power and strength within you, you just need to start believing in yourself and you ability and WORTH.
You can recover.
But only YOU can do it xxxxxxx

Gina Alfani said...

I'm a new following from dropping Entrecard.

While I have not struggled with the same problems, struggles are struggles. My problem has been an ongoing battle with agoraphobia and grief from losing my husband 8 years ago.

Finally, I have found my way back and am on the right path, but it took me years of struggle, heartache and emptiness that can't be described. The holidays are always the hardest time.

Take one day at a time, otherwise you will overwhelm yourself and move backwards instead of forward. Baby steps will get you to the place of peace in your soul.

Visit my blog when you get a chance . . . Gina

Anonymous said...

I agree with Sia Jane. At some point you have to start making the right decisions to live a long and productive life.