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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Losing Strength

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I had to keep sitting down this morning while I was getting ready for work. I told my therapist last night that I would start eating. I said it with good intentions, but trying feels so hard. Every time I do manage to eat something, I feel dirty and ashamed. I didn't tell her that part because I know it doesn't make any sense...even I know that. I'll do anything to avoid those feelings though. I just want to feel better about myself. Being able to restrict always manages to give me a sense of power. Eating has always equaled failure in my mind, even when I was mostly following a plan. I've always been so ambivalent about recovery. Somehow I always lose the strength to go all the way.

6 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

You are going to make it. One bite at a time. This is a hard season, Just hang in there Angela.

I Hate to Weight said...

here's my opinion, and it's just my opinion, of course. i think it's crucial that you tell that piece to your therapist. she'll want to know. i think it's a very, very deep insight into your ED.

as i always tell you, you have been thru way too much. of course, your past manifests itself in your feelings and behaviors.

i hope you will tell this to your T.

i'm sorry this is all soo painfully hard. hang in there, angela. it truly can get better, even though it is, indeed, a long process

Flannery said...

I'm going to second I Hate To Weight--telling this to your T will help. The whole point is that we can't figure it out on our own.

Recovery is so hard. Sending you love.

Lisa said...

I am so so sorry about what's going on. I pretty much blogged about the same thing last night. It's just hard to get the strength to go all out...and beat it completely. Hang in there.

xoxo
-Lisa

Ann said...

Since you can recognize the fact that you lose the strength to go all the way then it's only logical that the power should lie in eating and overcoming the desire to restrict.
Just a thought. I am sorry that you are struggling again with this.

The Painted Veil said...

I am sorry that you are struggling again too. But, I also agree with Ann's comment.

You can do it if you recognize it. Once, I recognized my triggers and sought help I made it and so can you!

Perhaps if you could find something to do or think about besides thinking about your gains or losses...well, that might help too....just try getting out of your own head for a while...get a camera...decorate for Christmas...anything to help you stop dwelling on this all the time!

Hang in there!