Insight

There are pieces of me falling away. I'm raw and exposed, and if you look at me, I may shatter, so I would rather you not look too closely. "It's a long process," you say. Yesterday you read what I have been writing about the flashbacks and some of the dreams that I've been having. You call me insightful, and that is a nice compliment. I do feel like I'm figuring out what place these memories have in my life right now. We talked about how during the rape, I felt disconnected from everything, as if I was watching from a distance, but now my memories are filled with emotions, and actual physical feelings. Those are things that I never allowed myself to feel before. You say that those feelings need to come to the surface before true healing can take place. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier to go through. I am getting better about being able to ground myself. The flashbacks don't last as long, and I'm able to remind myself that they are not real, and that I'm safe and in the present. You ask me if I'm telling my husband when I'm struggling, and I don't. I tell you, but I don't want to worry anyone else, and I don't know how he can help me anyway. I think this is something that I have to learn to be able to handle on my own, and at least I'm beginning to feel like I will really get through this.