Saturday, March 5, 2011

Figure It Out


Who's to say that I have to figure it all out today, right? It's full speed in the wrong direction, that I know for sure, and yet I can't seem to find a way to turn back.
I'm actually feeling good today. It is a cold but sunny day, and after such a grey week, it is a nice change. I just got home from judging my sons high school forensics tournament. I judged both the poetry and prose competitions. It was my first time and I didn't know what to expect, but it was fun. I had to get up at the crack of dawn though! Now I have the rest of the day ahead of me, and I've planned a haircut and some grocery shopping.
I had an interesting conversation on the phone with my brother a little while ago. He wanted to know how I was doing, and I was honest in telling him that I'm struggling. He wanted to know what with, so I told him that I was having a hard time eating. He said that this was the first time that I had ever really talked with him about my eating disorder. He was very supportive, offered suggestions, and also shared some about his own struggles with addiction. I try so hard not to worry my family with how I'm doing, and he said it made him feel more connected to me when I could open up to him. I'm going to try harder to do that. He asked how he could help, but that is such a difficult question for me to answer. There isn't anything that anyone can do except maybe to learn more about eating disorders so that they can better understand. I would never in a million years choose to be anorexic, and the choice to recover is not as simple as it would seem. If it were, I would have been better years ago. I think that the more I understand the reasons for why I developed an eating disorder, the closer I will get toward recovery.
Well, that is enough for today. Know that I'm not giving up. Even when my posts sound like I am, there is still a part of me that is fighting.


Just me said...

Yay, I really like this!!

I'm so glad you were able to share that with your brother, I bet it must have been difficult. But well done, and I'm glad he supported you :) x x

battleinmind said...

I'm happy you opened up to your brother, and were able to be honest with him and not just do the whole "I'm fine" routine.

Good to know you're having a nice day :) :)

Sia Jane said...

It might now feel like it, but I am there with you, holding your hand, walking this with you.
You can recover.
You can move forward.
And you can be free.
Try to trust that, and try to carry that xxxx

Wanda's Wings said...

Great job. I believe you can recover by knowing more about why it there. Bless you. Wanda

Ann said...

sorry I haven't been commenting much here lately. I've been finding myself so far behind on everything.
Being able to understand a disease/disorder/addiction makes a huge difference. I know that the more I learned about alcoholism the easier it was to understand the behavior and deal with the situations.
Glad to hear you had a nice chat with your brother. Enjoy the rest of your weekend