Figure It Out

Who's to say that I have to figure it all out today, right? It's full speed in the wrong direction, that I know for sure, and yet I can't seem to find a way to turn back.
I'm actually feeling good today. It is a cold but sunny day, and after such a grey week, it is a nice change. I just got home from judging my sons high school forensics tournament. I judged both the poetry and prose competitions. It was my first time and I didn't know what to expect, but it was fun. I had to get up at the crack of dawn though! Now I have the rest of the day ahead of me, and I've planned a haircut and some grocery shopping.
I had an interesting conversation on the phone with my brother a little while ago. He wanted to know how I was doing, and I was honest in telling him that I'm struggling. He wanted to know what with, so I told him that I was having a hard time eating. He said that this was the first time that I had ever really talked with him about my eating disorder. He was very supportive, offered suggestions, and also shared some about his own struggles with addiction. I try so hard not to worry my family with how I'm doing, and he said it made him feel more connected to me when I could open up to him. I'm going to try harder to do that. He asked how he could help, but that is such a difficult question for me to answer. There isn't anything that anyone can do except maybe to learn more about eating disorders so that they can better understand. I would never in a million years choose to be anorexic, and the choice to recover is not as simple as it would seem. If it were, I would have been better years ago. I think that the more I understand the reasons for why I developed an eating disorder, the closer I will get toward recovery.
Well, that is enough for today. Know that I'm not giving up. Even when my posts sound like I am, there is still a part of me that is fighting.