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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Half Way Through The Woods

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"Sometimes people leave you half way through the woods." Into the Woods

I've lost my best friend that I have known since Jr. High. I'm devastated,and heartbroken. My drinking and illnesses have driven her away, and she says that she can no longer watch me self destruct. I've done some things that have hurt her, and she can't forgive me for them. It comes at a strange time, just as I'm getting a hold of my recovery, and starting to feel good about myself. It brings back the self doubt, and feelings that I'm a horrible person, and not good enough. She says that there is nothing that can change her mind, so I'm not even going to try. I thought that we had resolved our problems after a talk that we had a couple of months ago. I apologized for hurting her. She said that we could repair our relationship after that, but she feels our friendship is irreparable now. She kept cancelling plans that we had made, so I knew something was wrong, but I never thought she would end everything. She told me through facebook, and I'm hurt that she couldn't face me. My therapist often tells me that recovery can take up to ten years. I know that is a long time to stand by someone, and I often take two steps forward, and one step back. I've made mistakes in my life that I don't deny. I cried all day yesterday, but I know that I need to move on, and not let it affect all of the work that I've done in the past month. I will still use my new coping skills, and continue to move forward. That is all that I can do.

15 Comments:

Just me said...

I'm so sorry. But I'm glad that you're going to try not to let it affect your recovery. Maybe it really was just too much for her, and when the day comes that you can say you are recovered, perhaps there will be the chance for you to be a part of each others' lives again.

Stay strong Angela. You can still do this x x

Angela said...

Thank you for that. :)

I Hate to Weight said...

with my history of drugs and alcohol, i've had a number of people (sister, favorite cousin, etc.) completely shut me out for years. but they all came back

has anything happened in the interim (since your conversation) that has made her turn away?

does it make any sense at all that she said this or is it completely from left field?

I Hate to Weight said...

p.s. i'm not in anyway comparing my situation to yours! i was actively using bad drugs and breaking everyone's heart.

i'm just thinking of people saying they didn't want to deal with me.

Angela said...

I't didn't come out of left field. It has been in the last year that things have not been right, but I thought she had forgiven me, and that we could move past it. We have been through a lot together. She was my maid of honor, and at the birth of 2 of my boys. I'm just sick over it. Things happened with my suicide attempt, the eating disorder, and other things that I've done. I've hurt her feelings,and done things that I'm not exactly proud of. Hopefully when she sees that I'm trying to get my life back together, she will come around.

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm so sorry! We all need people to accept us with all our faults. You are so kind I just don't understand.

Anonymous said...

I am sure she is as hurt as you are. If her relationship is important to you, and I know it is, she will be there for you as and after you heal! It is important to keep the focus on fixing you and those things will fall into place. Trust me, it will. She still cares and that is what is important. Prove this to yourself and you will get the answer.

love

Old Man who knows everything!!!

Angela said...

Thanks, Old Man. I hope that you are right. I will hold on to believing that you are.
Love you <3

Anonymous said...

"She can no longer watch me self destruct." "I've done some things that have hurt her." This is really about your friend and she deserves some of the sympathy that is being expressed in your blog. She cannot continue to watch the damage you are doing to yourself. Can you blame her? People do not have an unlimited amount of reserves and we all eventually reach the end of what we can do and give and accept and tolerate and handle. It's unfair to expect so much from her. Hopefully this is a gentle wake up call for you. Only time will tell.

Angela said...

I do feel for her. I'm sure that it was a hard decision for her to make. I've asked for forgiveness, and I'm working very hard in recovery. That is all that I can do. I've never said that it is not my fault, and I don't appreciate your tone.

Anonymous said...

I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit. You can handle the "tough" blog entries as well as you do the "gentle" ones. The truth is powerful and strong and healing. Don't be so quick to attach a "tone" that is not there. It's absolutely not there. And don't be so quick to get angry and defensive.You are missing the point from Anonymous..."people do not have an unlimited amount of reserves and we all eventually reach the end of what we can do and give and accept and tolerate and handle." This is a very loving entry and you are missing the intention.

Just me said...

I agree with the anonymous posts (especially the last one). Nobody's getting at you, Angela. Your initial post was so gracious and not at all bitchy or resentful, which I'm sure it would be so easy to be. I really admire you for that. I can see that you feel for her (you said it!) and the middle post was just expanding on that - it's not her fault that she can't be there, but none of us, from what I can tell, are saying that it is. At the same time, none of this is your fault and I hope you aren't blaming yourself. You can't help what's happened to you and we know you're working so hard at recovery. It's just that the fact remains that it will have been hard on her (which you acknowledge) and it's an unfortunate fact of life that most of us just aren't strong enough to keep enduring.

You don't come across like you're attacking her, and in the same way we don't want to be attacking you. I bet your friend's not mad at you or anything like that. And I pray that she'll see how hard you're working and that you'll be able to reconcile once you're in a better place.

Hope that makes sense. Just know no-one is against you x x

Angela said...

Thank you. It all makes sense, and I apologize if I was defensive. I don't feel very strong at the moment.

cudylant said...

I'm dealing with something very similar, my 3 best friends all quit speaking to me because of my mental illness (at least, that's what they say). I wish I had something I could say to make things better, but I do know how much it hurts. I will be praying for you and for your friend.

Just me said...

It's okay, you didn't do anything wrong! :)

Strength comes and goes, but builds. Two steps forward and one step back is still a step forward, and I honestly believe you're making amazing progress. We're right behind you!