Thursday, April 28, 2011

Not Going Back


I can't even explain to you how tired I am of feeling like I have a heavy weight bearing down on my chest. Every time I release a breath, I have to hold back tears. Yesterday, as soon as I walked through my therapists door, I began to cry, and she explained to me that I have so many years of grief built up, and that it is going to take awhile to release all of that pain. She said, "You know, sometimes when I'm angry, I cry." "I'm not angry," I replied. "You have every right to be," she said. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any rights. I know those are residual feelings from being violated as a child, and yet those feelings remain, and they are real. I'm ashamed of my tears, but I'm also so very tired of carrying around so much shame. When does that feeling go away? I know that I'm responsible for letting go of it, but I'm not sure what I'm actively supposed to be doing. It doesn't seem like I'm doing enough. I don't know which is more difficult...burying the feelings, or setting them free. I know that I'm not prepared to go backwards anymore.


I Hate to Weight said...

the process can be so difficult. it's just absolutely wondrous how you hang in and keep doing what you need to do. good (great) for you!!!!!

i am so glad that you have such a great therapist and you can trust her and know that she is with you through the process.

i love, "i'm not prepared to go backwards anymore". i think i'm going to borrow that for myself.

thank you

Just me said...

I wish I could come & give you a hug. x x x

Haley said...

Setting them free is the way to go. You're getting there Angela. I have faith in you <3

Ann said...

A fork in the road, bury the feelings or set them free. At least you know that turning back isn't the choice to make. Whichever direction you go, I wish you well.

Eve said...

"I know that I am not prepared to go backwards anymore."--wow! that is one powerful statement. I needed to read that! Thank you for what you are doing. Thank you for loving and healing and sharing your gifts with the world around you Angela!---Thank you for your words, they ARE power!