Riding The Waves

There is a weight residing behind my eyes, throbbing and heavy, and the grief sits on top of my chest. The sound of my heart rushes through my ears, as the heat rises to my face. I'm riding the waves of sorrow that pound against me, helpless to fight the tears. They come out of nowhere or build with my thoughts which I try to push aside with activities meant to keep me busy. Eventually I knew that I would lose. It had to happen sometime, only I thought I would lose myself. All that I ever wanted was to slip away to somewhere safe, away from my tormented mind and a past that lived in my nightmares. Now I bear the burden of guilt for all of those I have hurt by my actions. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I only wanted to escape from my own pain, not cause pain. I couldn't save myself soon enough. Healing doesn't have a timetable. We all have to hit our own bottom, and mine was re-reading the suicide e-mail that I had sent to my therapist. It took two years to finally look at myself and come to terms with what I had done, and what I had done to the people who love me. I've tried so many ways to escape, but there really is no place like home. Now I have to figure out how to forgive myself, because I certainly haven't. If others are unable to forgive me, then how do I do it? I've punished myself enough and it really needs to stop, but I always feel as if I deserve what I get. I'm not used to sitting with all of these feelings because I've always used destructive behaviors to drown them out. So here I am...