Saturday, April 16, 2011

Riding The Waves


There is a weight residing behind my eyes, throbbing and heavy, and the grief sits on top of my chest. The sound of my heart rushes through my ears, as the heat rises to my face. I'm riding the waves of sorrow that pound against me, helpless to fight the tears. They come out of nowhere or build with my thoughts which I try to push aside with activities meant to keep me busy. Eventually I knew that I would lose. It had to happen sometime, only I thought I would lose myself. All that I ever wanted was to slip away to somewhere safe, away from my tormented mind and a past that lived in my nightmares. Now I bear the burden of guilt for all of those I have hurt by my actions. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I only wanted to escape from my own pain, not cause pain. I couldn't save myself soon enough. Healing doesn't have a timetable. We all have to hit our own bottom, and mine was re-reading the suicide e-mail that I had sent to my therapist. It took two years to finally look at myself and come to terms with what I had done, and what I had done to the people who love me. I've tried so many ways to escape, but there really is no place like home. Now I have to figure out how to forgive myself, because I certainly haven't. If others are unable to forgive me, then how do I do it? I've punished myself enough and it really needs to stop, but I always feel as if I deserve what I get. I'm not used to sitting with all of these feelings because I've always used destructive behaviors to drown them out. So here I am...


Just me said...

I'm so sorry things have got so hard. I don't really know what to respond with other than that God's love and forgiveness is all that matters, so try to fix your eyes on Him and He WILL see you through this. I'm thinking of you and praying for you x x

Angela said...

Thank you. As blue as I feel right now, my life is heading in the direction that I want it to go. I hate to cry and be sad, but who in their right mind likes that! I will eventually find my laughter again.

Wanda's Wings said...

Really feeling is so hard. Forgiving one's self. I still have not figured that on out. May you find what you are looking for and peace in your heart.

I Hate to Weight said...

the past is the past. there's nothing you can do to change it.

you did what you did because you were in great pain, not because you wanted to hurt people. that's a really important thing to remember.

all you can do is be different now, and you are. you are working so, so hard.

in fact, i think we MUST move on or we are stuck in the cycle of our addictions. by holding on to guilt and shame and all that pain, we set our selves up.

take wonderful care. you are great!!!!!