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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Awareness

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Today during yoga class, the instructor came over to adjust my pose, and when he touched me, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. I always react that way, and it is the one thing about yoga that I don't like. It doesn't matter if it is a male or female instructor, it is just the feeling of discomfort from not inviting the touch, and having no control over it. I wish that I wasn't so noticeably jumpy about it. It is a bit embarrassing, and hopefully eventually I will become more relaxed. When I'm touched, it makes me have to be aware of my body, and we all know how much I love being aware of my body! After years of tuning myself out and being disconnected, the awareness can be intensely painful at times, and yet there are other times when I've never felt so relaxed and comfortable in my own skin. I know there will come a time when it doesn't hurt so much, and until then, I'm going to acknowledge and give myself permission to have whatever feelings that I'm feeling. I'm not going to ignore and push aside the bad feelings by using destructive behaviors to numb them away. Those days are slowly but surely dwindling away, allowing my inner light to shine through. One day I will embrace the me that I've always wanted to be.

2 Comments:

Jenny Sawle said...

You are already starting to embrace yourself by acknowledging your fears and knowing about them so clearly that you can write about them here. And it is a great sign of your healing that you are able to be aware of your pain and not trying to fight or cover the feelings. This is fantastic. Go Angela!!

Much love,
Jenny

Eve said...

Angela,
Oh, my goodness! This is beautifully written. Thank you for being so honest and clear. You are doing such tremendous work! I could not BE more inspired! Thank you for making me want to continue on the freedom train! I love that we all need one another so much. Thank you for the work you are doing to love yourself!love, Eve