Saturday, May 28, 2011

Uncomfortable Feelings


I wonder why it is so easy for me to feel abandoned. It's only a leftover feeling, and yet sometimes it bears down on me, and strange things trigger it. Today it is my husband. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, but he is sick, out of commission, and grumpy, so I feel neglected. These selfish and needy feelings have cropped up a couple of times this week, and I'm acknowledging them although it is uncomfortable to do so. Last week I had a therapy appointment, and midway through my session, my therapist received a phone call, which she took. She told me to go out into the waiting area, where I sat for about twenty minutes. When I went back in, I couldn't even concentrate on what was being said. I walked out of there feeling unimportant and uncared for, although I know that I'm not her only patient, and that sometimes someone else's needs are going to come before mine. I can't always come first, and I know that, but still, I want to feel that I do. That is embarrassing to admit, but there it is. I e-mailed my therapist the next day, and told her how I felt, which is uncharcteristic of me. Usually, I would keep it inside, festering away. She was excited that I could do that, apologized, and we talked about it at my next session. She means a lot to me, so it hurt, and still does a bit. I don't like this side of me because I've always felt that I should put other's needs before my own. Sometimes being honest with myself sucks!


Anonymous said...

it's okay to admit your feelings and it's certainly okay to have them. what we know and what our hearts feel sometimes don't jibe and i'm coming to a place of knowing that it doesn't have to be a constant marriage of the two. sometimes it really is okay to just feel the 'negative' feelings.
i'm not sure if it affects you the same way but when tragic events around me are more common it's easier for me to just get looped into sadness, frustration and eventually i've disappeared. i've had to turn off the tube and go to books for some entertainment because of all of it.
give yourself time to grieve things that you wouldn't have allowed before. even if that is sadness for you dh being ill, it's okay. there was a time when his being ill was frightening. blankets, tea, journal, books, peaceful music...
thinking of you...


Sia Jane said...

It is hard to even think about our feelings, let alone accept them and verbalise them.
You've done something amazing :) xxxxx

YOU matter xxxxxx

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

I love your vulnerability and your honesty. It is so incredibly inspiring.

Eve said...

Angela, I feel ya!

I Hate to Weight said...

good for you for writing to her -- that's the best part of therapy for me, when i can talk about something so difficult and my therapist would hear me and respect my feelings.

how r things going? i've been thinking about you.