Sunday, June 5, 2011

Loss, Anger, And Pushing Forward


It has mostly been a weekend of silence, just like my therapy session where I found that I couldn't talk even though there is so much that I need to say. My husband worries when I get like this, and I know that I will snap out of it. I always do, but the ups and downs of being me can be difficult to comprehend and deal with. It gets tiring. I feel the deep loss of a friend, and I'm finding it painful and hard to get over. It makes me feel so horrible inside, and as if I can never be good enough. Although I have said that I'm not going to let it affect my recovery or state of mind, I guess it has, and that also makes me feel angry with myself. I should be strong enough. I cannot deal with it when people are angry with me, and I can't stand to feel anger in general. Tomorrow is Monday, and a new week to start over, to make an effort, and to love myself. I want to clear the clutter, to clean my house, because I know that will make me feel better. I need to do it slowly instead of killing myself by trying to do everything in one day. I need to ask for help. I want to come home from work, take my yoga classes, and tackle it room by room. It takes effort for me to even make a plan.
I want to thank my family for always loving me because sometime I feel so unloveable and I also want to thank a new friend, Eve for her blog and her wonderful self, who is so positive and teaching me so much and Jenny whos strength and honesty constantly amaze me They lift me up:) I will keep trying to better myself and to matter in and to this world.


azhe'n said...

i wish i knew the answer, the deep inside secret to reassure you and leave you with absolutely no doubts, and me too, what it means to matter 'in and to this world'. all i know is that we do because i trust the people who tell me that i do and you matter to me and i truly believe to your mom and dh and boys at the least.

keep breathing, the tears will come when they're ready. keep feeling, the anger is nothing to be ashamed about. keep talking, the truth finds its way out of us. keep becoming who you are. the world needs your gentle, caring spirit.

much love,

I Hate to Weight said...

life does have its ups and downs. sometimes, i feel so low.

it sounds like you're doing what you need to do and i believe that's the best we can do, and it's plenty.

hope the sadness lifts soon. lots of love, melissa

Eve said...

Angela, dear heart, this is a beautiful post. It reminds me that I am not alone. It tells me that we are all connected. And it gives me hope, that we can all help one another. You DO matter, whether you un-clutter or not, whether you "work through" things or not, slow or fast, YOU MATTER. And the world, is better place because you are in it, with all your beauty and honesty and love to give. Thank you! Keep going. love,EVe
ps. one day when Adam could see I was really overwhelmed with cleaning and clearing clutter, he said, "Eve, I think you should just pick one thing out per day that you want to get done. That way, when you do it, you are done for the day. If you want to keep going, great, but if not, you aren't letting YOURSELF down by not doing more." So today, I am going to clean the toilets:)

Eve said...

While I know that my last comment was encouraging, it was rather vague, so I wanted to add this, I know how you feel about people not liking you or being upset with you. I hate it too. I don't deal with it well. But I have started to ask myself the tough questions when this happens. "Why does this really bother me?" More often than not, if I feel that I have done nothing wrong, I find that what is really happening is that I am feeling rejected and allowing them or their anger to have power over me instead of not letting it effect me. This is much easier said than done, but none the less, a small victory just to admit it. I like what Elenore Roosevelt said, and I hope the next time it comes up, I will remember it...."the only power someone has over you, is that which you give them." We can choose not to be manipulated and controlled. Like I said, I hope I can remember that next time it comes up.

Sia Jane said...

Keep believing in yourself.
Hold tight to hope.
And know we are all here with you, through this journey xxxxxx