Saturday, July 30, 2011

Out Of My Head

I'm crabby this morning, out of sorts, and sucking down coffee like nobody's business in the hopes that I'm just not fully awake. Today I was hoping for a pool day, but it is raining at the moment, and even though we desperately need the rain, I'm pouting:( Maybe it will clear off by this afternoon. I want something to do, and I think that I need to be around people today. I need to get out of my head. For the most part, my head is filled with eating disordered thoughts. Last night I even had a dream that I ate a whole bag of M&M's. I woke up feeling so guilty, and I don't even like M&M's that much! Everything I eat feels like too much, and on top of it, my appetite is coming back, and that causes anxiety. It is coming back because I'm really trying to eat more, but it is such a catch 22, and I go around in circles with myself over whether to eat or not eat. I want to get off the merry go be able to eat without guilt and loathing for myself. I want full recovery, and sometimes I feel so close, and then I go backward. I'm healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, and more in shape than I have been in a long time. To look at me, you would think, "totally recovered," but it is my mind that is so screwed up. I want to feel as healthy as I look.
Okay, I think my coffee has kicked in, I'm off to a yoga class, and hopefully when I come out there will be some sunshine. Happy Saturday to everyone!


Just me said...

Hope you're doing better after the yoga! I love that you can end a post with "Happy Saturday everyone!" even if you weren't feeling so great yourself. You are fab, and you've come a long way already - don't beat yourself up if it's not 100% straight away! x x

Anonymous said...

I love you, Angela.


Anonymous said...

If you are not going to eat the M&M's send my way. Are they plain or peanut? I prefer the peanut.

Have a good day and clear the mind.

Old Man in Florida

Lily said...

We sound a lot alike. When I have too much time for my thoughts, I end up dragging myself down and allowing myself to keep unhealthy thoughts and actions in my day. When I'm around people, that doesn't happen as often.

I hope the sun came out so you could have some pool time!!!!

Angela said...

Definitely peanut! Clear out !

Eve said...

I don't want to hear about peanut m and ms I am off sugar:) I am teasing:) I love you. Did you do this art? I love it. Keep going. keep feeling and expressing them!

Sia Jane said...

I am sure you are not alone in terms of the weight/mind battle.
I think that although you have clear eating disordered thoughts/actions, you should feel proud that you are actually acknowledging that, which you could be denying.

I have missed your posts and I must say those jeans made my day :)

Keep fighting, you are very special <3