Out Of My Head

I'm crabby this morning, out of sorts, and sucking down coffee like nobody's business in the hopes that I'm just not fully awake. Today I was hoping for a pool day, but it is raining at the moment, and even though we desperately need the rain, I'm pouting:( Maybe it will clear off by this afternoon. I want something to do, and I think that I need to be around people today. I need to get out of my head. For the most part, my head is filled with eating disordered thoughts. Last night I even had a dream that I ate a whole bag of M&M's. I woke up feeling so guilty, and I don't even like M&M's that much! Everything I eat feels like too much, and on top of it, my appetite is coming back, and that causes anxiety. It is coming back because I'm really trying to eat more, but it is such a catch 22, and I go around in circles with myself over whether to eat or not eat. I want to get off the merry go around...to be able to eat without guilt and loathing for myself. I want full recovery, and sometimes I feel so close, and then I go backward. I'm healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, and more in shape than I have been in a long time. To look at me, you would think, "totally recovered," but it is my mind that is so screwed up. I want to feel as healthy as I look.

Okay, I think my coffee has kicked in, I'm off to a yoga class, and hopefully when I come out there will be some sunshine. Happy Saturday to everyone!