Saturday, April 12, 2014

What I Hear Is Now

Have you ever felt lonely even when you are surrounded with loved ones? I have been struggling with connection. Everyone feels so far away, and yet close enough to reach out and touch. It is me...I understand that cognitively, and realize that I'm the one who creates distance, but I don't know why I do this. I crave closeness, but I also fear the loss that can come with connection. I'm not very trusting when it comes to close relationships, and I try to mind read, which usually gets me into trouble. Tonight's yoga training was all about connecting with another person, and it is funny how I'm very aware of the energy of everyone around me, but also guarded when it comes to sharing. I think because of my trauma history, I'm hyper aware of taking in every minute detail. I'm on guard for danger, and ready to run. This does not always serve me well. I'm often anxious and suspicious, and yet I attempt to hide these feelings.  I feel like a fraud. On the outside, I may appear to be calm, relaxed, and trusting, when in reality, I'm none of those things. I'm very good at masking my true feelings, but I long to be a more authentic person. My heart is in the right place. I'm passionate about sharing my story, whether it be my struggle with anorexia, or my history of sexual abuse, and finding my voice, but this healing is not smooth and linear. I'm like an earthquake, with moments of catastrophe, and utter silence. When I can be still, and truly listen to my heart, what I hear is now.