Friday, June 13, 2008

Self-Destructive Logic

It has been over a week since the incident with the men in the truck, and it has definitely had what I feel is a negative impact on my recovery. My therapist reassures me that this is only a temporary setback, which she says is understandable, considering the amount of trauma work that we have been doing. I want to believe this, but I'm also finding it difficult to see around the logic that I am less likely to attract attract male attention, and therefore, less endangered, when I am underweight. I find this to be very reasonable. So reasonable, that all I can think about is how much I want to lose weight. I realize that perceptions are made out of experience, and we all make inferences out of them that influence our decisions, so this is the origin of my struggle.
During therapy this week, we talked about the rape, and how it coincided with the beginnings of puberty and my changing body. It makes sense that gaining a more womanly figure would make me feel less safe, and the comment made by those men has me feeling more vulnerable than ever. How do I challenge such a long held perception?
I'm mentally worn out by all of this, and feel unable to find my way to the place where I think that I should be. I restrict what I eat, telling myself that I can stop myself at a certain point because I have more knowledge...knowing very well that this is what the eating disorder wants me to believe. I beat myself up for listening, and for all of my ambiguous thoughts and feelings, but overpowering all else, is the fear that I will be unable to find my way back.


The Speaker said...

I love you. You've got to keep fighting this. You are strong and brave and living in a time and place where you can protect yourself much better than you were able to do as a little girl. I have so much faith in you and I just want you to know that YOU ARE MUCH MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR.

love, jessieh

Guy Vestal said...

My wife deals with struggles much similar to yours. She has worked long and hard, and is still being challenged every now and then, but the wait is worth it if you are willing to claim victory...

Dugg & Stumbled.

Rachel S said...

I wish you all the strength and love and light you need to see your way through this temporary setback. You will never be able to control the thoughts and words and deeds of others, and must not sacrifice your own well-being. Do not let them control you! You are strong and beautiful, and you have every right to be.

MrsMenopausal said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers, and here if I can help in any way.

Beauty said...

I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I suspect that all of us abuse survivors have an inner strength we often doubt, a strength which got us through unimaginable terrors as helpless, unprotected children.

pia said...

I can't imagine what it must feel like to have been abused as a child but I can imagine too well what it feels like to be worn out from solving problems

Sometimes, especially in summer, a break is needed because life is about fun also, and that really does help put things into perspective