Yesterday I saw my therapist and nutritionist. It was a great therapy session, filled with laughter and joking around. Fun, but still productive. As I was leaving the office building, there are four steps you have to walk down, and I literally skipped down them, filled with energy. There have been many times when just getting down those steps would have been a struggle, and in my mind, I took note of that.
My nutrition appointment wasn't so fun though, and as I sat in the waiting room, my anxiety and fear over weight quickly turned to tears. I know that I've gained...it isn't that, and it isn't even how much I weigh, because I have no idea. I always get weighed backward. The fear is that I won't be able to stop gaining and it will get out of control. When my nutritionist came out to get me, I was already in tears. She gave me a cup of water and we walked back to her office. She asked why I was crying...I said that I didn't know. She asked if I was mourning the loss of something...I said that I didn't know. All I know is that I'm afraid. She weighed me, told me that I had gained some, and that I was now in a normal weight range. I sat down on her couch and sobbed for ten minutes. She told me to keep a food diary for the next week, and then if she needed to, she would make me a maintenance meal plan. That made me feel better. I just don't want to gain anymore. I still cried all the way home, and then fell into an exhausted sleep when I arrived. I know that it is hard for my family to understand. They have seen me so happy and filled with energy for the past few weeks, so why would a few pounds send me over the edge. I wish that it didn't, but it is hard to let go of those old fears. I'm going to try really hard not to restrict though, because that is what Claudia would like for me to do.
Today my mom and I are going to get pedicures, and I'm going to try to enjoy my day, and work on feeding myself positive messages.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Weighing The Fear
Posted by Angela at 5:33 AM
Labels: anorexia, eating disorder recovery, Fear, nutritionist, tears
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9 Comments:
Letting go of old habits is very difficult, and while you had a great therapy appointment, facing the nutritionist still causes you a deepset sense of fear. I know it is hard, but enjoy life as it is given to you and be proud of your success. Enjoy that pedi!!!!
As long as you continue to refer to Claudia, even bring up her name, you will be a prisoner to her. Her name should not even be in your vocabulary. Every time you mention her name you are breathing life into her and keeping her alive. Rather than saying "that is what Claudia would like for me to do" why don't you trying saying "the warrior inside of me will not give in!" See the difference?
Angie, I had the same fear. I was afraid I'd gain and gain and gain. I was especially afraid because nearly everyone in my family has issues with weight and I figured the only reason I'd escaped the issues was because I had an eating disorder.
However, I haven't gained and gained. I have actually maintained a good weight for me and haven't fluctuated a bit. I'm sure it'll be the same for you. Our bodies know what they're doing even when we don't. :) Trust the doctor and trust the great feelings you're having because you're making healthy choices.
I know it's hard, but you're doing an amazing job!!!
Enjoy the time with your mom.
Love ya.
Thoughts of the Day:
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the story of the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The
students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the
sand. The students laughed.
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was
lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he
continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The
same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. 'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with
your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another
18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The beer just shows you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with a friend.' Please share this with someone you care about.. I JUST
DID.
Love
Grandpa
PS....while I appreiciate what anonymous said above, I sort of disagree and agree. I think naming something can empower it, but in your case, it is wise to remember that those (Claudia) thoughts are negative and by separating them from your healthy thoughts is productive....just my thought.
I like the "mayonnnaise jar and 2 beers" story. Thank you for sending it to me.
I love you<3
Sunny,
I agree with you too. I need to be able to seperate those thoughts, and putting a seperate identity to the eating diorder whether it be calling it ED or Claudia helps me to be able to use my own voice to talk back. Thank you for understanding:)
Use your voice to be the warrior!
It's very easy and safe to have everyone agree with you. This blogging format attracts those who have the same issues and problems as you. I know that all too well. I learned that while there may be comfort in numbers, you should seek advice from those who can challenge you and not coddle you.
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