Black Or White

Work is really wearing me out lately. I have an aggressive student in the morning, and then I spend the afternoon in the autism pre-school. It makes for a very exhausting day. Today when I came home, all that I really wanted to do was park my butt on the couch and be lazy, but I got on the treadmill instead, and now I feel so much better. I really had to talk myself into it, but I'm glad that I did.
I'm doing okay with food this week after a rough weekend. I miss breakfast, but I have been taking my lunch to work in the afternoon. Dinner seems to be the most difficult. I either don't eat, or I eat and then purge it. I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much with it, and it is very frustrating, especially the purging. It is almost like having an out of body experience when I do it, and it really does scare me because it feels so out of control. I just feel like I can't have the dinner food and calories inside of me. My therapist tries to tell me that it is not about the weight or calories, but about the feelings that I'm trying to avoid. I have a hard time with that concept though. It FEELS like it is all about the weight to me. I would be happy if only I could weigh 10 lbs less, 15 lbs, 20 lbs...when does it end? It doesn't end. It is an all black or white game that I play with myself, only there never is a winner, because it will never be enough. Will it be enough when I can force myself to sit with these feelings without running away and hiding behind the eating disorder? I don't even remember not having an eating disorder anymore. It has been so long that I'm honestly terrified of letting it go, as crazy and masochistic as that must sound. It is a strange sort of comfort that I wrap around myself, as if it can somehow keep me safe. I try hard to see through the illusion, but I continue to flail. I'm dreading going to see my therapist and nutritionist tomorrow because I wonder when they are going to give up on me. I don't even know what to say to them. I'm honest about my behaviors, and I'm not hiding anything, so I know that I want the help, and maybe for now, that is enough.

The Empty Room

The Empty Room

I feel myself floating away
The darkness pulls
and do I choose to fall
into the abyss
this night of silent screams
and waking dreams?
Am I somehow to blame
as I fight them off now?
Will I finally win?
You drag me kicking
to the surface
my limbs flailing
flinging my clothes
into the air

Somehow I'm alone

with my fury
raging

into an empty room

Angela Minard 2009©

Where Is Spring?

One of our damaged pear trees.


My new HHR, aka Lucy.

We are getting a late March snowstorm here in Kansas this afternoon, and sadly, our beautiful blooming pear trees in our front yard are breaking with the weight of the ice and snow. It makes me very sad. A few years back we lost our willow to an ice storm, and now this. We will have a lot of cleaning up to do tomorrow. Hopefully we can do it ourselves, and the city will haul it away, because otherwise it is going to cost us quite a bit of money. Anyway, on to better news...Yesterday I got a new car! The lease on my P.T. Cruiser was up this month, so we bought a cute, candy apple red HHR. It has more room than the Cruiser, and rides really nice. I always like to name my cars, so I have christened this one Lucy, after Lucille Ball...Feisty and red.
Other than that, there is not much else going on. Work has been stressful. I'm working with an aggressive student who bites, kicks, hits, screams, scratches, and pinches. I think that covers it all! I have to restrain him at times, and it is physically exhausting. I'm very bruised and scratched up this week, and have a big bite mark on my lower arm. I don't like having to restrain a child, and I get very emotional about it. I'm hoping that we can figure out the antecedent to this behavior, and get a better program in place for him. Right now, he is just very oppositional and defiant. He is also a master negotiator. Quite the challenge. I definitely needed this weekend to recuperate, so the snowstorm is keeping me from doing much. On the other hand, I feel like I should be cleaning my house and catching up on laundry. Maybe tomorrow:)

Today Is The Beginning

We are headed to Friday, and I can't even begin to say how glad I am. It has been a rough week at work with the kids at school. Transitioning back to school after the spring break is hard for everyone, but especially for kids with autism. I was bit by a student yesterday, and my preschool kids in the afternoon kept wanting to tear out of the classroom at full speed. I'm glad I wear my running shoes to work! I will definitely be ready for the weekend.
Last Saturday I had a dissociative episode that really scared my husband and my therapist. I guess that they had a hard time getting me to come back out of it, although I don't remember anything. From what they tell me, I was physically out of control, kicking and screaming, and putting up a big fight. It took them awhile to pull me out of it, but I'm just glad that they didn't have to take me to the hospital. That is one of my worst fears right now. I was really worn out on Sunday, and pretty much slept and rested for the entire day. I'm still feeling a bit disconnected and like I'm not quite on solid ground. My food issues haven't been that great either. I'm still restricting some, and purging about once a day. I saw my therapist and nutritionist on Wednesday, and they really feel like I'm just going through a rough patch, but that I can turn this around. It feels good to know that they have faith in me. This morning I ate breakfast, which is a good start, and I really do feel some confidence and strength in myself today, and today is all that I need to concentrate on.

Guilt and Fear

Dave and I just returned from our couples session. It always helps to say things that we are too afraid to say to each other when we are alone. We talked about how we both try to protect one another. I don't want him to know how afraid I am to lose him because I'm scared that it will burden him, and he does the same for me. All that does is fuel the fear though, so we need to learn how to communicate those feelings. We also talked about my recent purging behavior. I feel so much guilt over so many things, especially my suicide attempt. I also feel guilty over the fact that sometimes I still don't want to be here. I'm so full of feelings, and that is where the purging comes in. That empty feeling after purging is such a relief, at least for a little while. I feel so unworthy, and like I am a bad person, and at times those feelings overwhelm me. There is nothing that anyone can say to change those feelings. I know that it is something that I will have to discover within myself. I have to find the strength and courage to feel the fear and free myself.

Stumbling

Last night I had an emergency session with my therapist, and though it did help some, I still feel very confused and lost. We talked about the purging, and why I have found a new behavior to use. It makes sense that because all of my other behaviors have been taken away, I would find a new way to cope. I know that it has nothing to do with the food or my weight, although to me, it still feels like that IS what it is about. That is how the eating disorder works though, I suppose.

This weekend I finished my poetry manuscript that I have been working on, so I was very excited to take it in for my therapist to see. Working on my writing has been one positive thing about my recovery, so it was important for me to get it finished. I am going to start sending it off to publishers, and hope that eventually it will be published by someone. If not, I will probably just self publish it. In any case, it feels like an accomplishment, and something that I needed to do for myself.

Dave and I have a therapy session together on Friday. I'm hoping that together we can gain some more understanding about what is going on with my recovery, or lack of it at the moment. I know that he is probably even more confused than I am, if that is even possible. For now, I'm going to keep holding on to all of the positives in my life, and try to stay in the here and now, because worrying about the future and all that I could possibly lose, always trips me up. I may be stumbling, but I refuse to fall.

Ashamed And Afraid

I have a friend who has recovered from anorexia, and she is a wonderful role model for me, and also someone that I always have a lot of questions for. This week I have really been struggling, and so I contacted her for some support because I'm very scared and confused right now. This was an e-mail that I wrote to her~

I'm struggling a bit and have some questions for you. Did you ever feel like you would be happier if you could have your eating disorder back? I feel like I wish that I could restrict better...like I used to, and like I have lost something. I think that I was happier before. I miss the euphoria that I used to feel when I was restricting. I'm also starting to purge which is something that I've never really done, and it scares me. That just started this week, and I have told my team about it, but haven't had any sessions since it started, so they haven't been able to help me to figure out what the hell is going on. I just don't understand why I'm doing this.
I'm so ashamed of the purging, and it is also very frightening because it feels like I have no control over it. I wasn't even sure that I could write about it here, but I do like to be honest, and share what I'm going through. Anyway, here is what she wrote back to me, and her words were very comforting. It helped me to not feel so alone.

She said~"Yes I did go thru that. I think it is part of letting the ED go. It is hard to feel all those feelings and deal with reality I guess you could call it, but it isn't true that you were happier with ED; that is just what your mind tells you as an excuse to fall back. I always say I need a running start to get to the next step of recovery. I fall back just a little to test the waters and once I know it is still there I can move a step forward. Did you ever read Eating In The Light Of The Moon? She has an analogy of a log in the river. Something like the log is ED and you are trying to let go of ED and get to the shore but you are scared and insecure so you hold on. Then you find the courage to swim around the log grabbing on occasionally for security until you feel strong enough to let go and swim to shore.
The purging is probably trying to test the waters with your team and maybe a need for more help to get to the next step. I use to try new things all the time when I felt I wasn't being heard or I felt I was dealing with something all alone. And actually further in my recovery the more extreme these things would be. I know it sounds weird but I think I felt I needed to be really bad because I was doing so well. Recovery is so hard and I know you are dealing with a lot right now. Is Dave ok? Did they find something to help him? That has got to be something on your mind and a thought of being out of control because you can't control that. I think you need to find a new motivation. Something that you really want to do but ED is holding you from doing that. that is one of the reasons working at Renfrew has been so helpful. They depend on me and the women there depend on me so I feel I have to "healthy" to stay so it keeps me going in the right direction. Well, and also my Harley. :) If I was in the midst of ED there would be no way I could even lift my Harley to get on none the less drive it. Try to find a new motivation to get you excited. How is your poetry book coming?
Take care of yourself and see what wonderful things you have in your life worth living a healthy life for. Make a list of all the things you want to do. And then find a way to do them. I believe and have seen it work that if you put your mind to something anything is possible. I doubt myself a lot but I have done some pretty cool things I never thought I would ever be able to do. You just have to push through that thought of I can't and that nervous feeling like you are going to fail or something because it is totally worthy it."
Isn't she so wise and wonderful?

Lost

Ashamed. Failing and flailing. Lost as how to fix what I cannot feel.

All of the joy trapped beneath the pain. Never good enough to grasp a hold of all that I could be.

A New Decision

Life can be so strange and ironic at times. I just finished a poem about the decision that I had made not to get back in contact with my dad, and the next day, my aunt calls, pleading with me to write or call him. She tells me that he has really turned his life around, and that he just wants a second chance to have a relationship with me. I already knew that from the letter that he sent me, but I wasn't so sure that he had changed. I feel like hearing that should make me want to change my mind, but for some reason, it just doesn't, and I wonder if that makes me a bad person. Why am I so unforgiving? My aunt also told me that my cousin will be getting married in November, and she wants all of us to come to the wedding. I would like to go, but that would mean seeing my dad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should try, but something is holding me back from writing or calling him, and I'm not quite sure what it is.

You know...that is not true. I think that I do know what it is. It is my own fear of anger, and being able to express it towards him. Anytime that he hurt me, I always said that it was okay. I was always looking out for his feelings. He always had an excuse for his behavior, and I always let him off the hook. I'm running away from my own anger. Maybe I at least need to tell him how much pain his neglect caused me, and how his neglect was the reason that I was raped while I was in his care. He needs to know this, and I have avoided telling him because I'm always trying to protect his feelings, and even that makes me angry. I always protected his feelings because I was afraid that if I didn't, he would go away, but it didn't matter, because he went away anyway. I think that I will write these things in a letter to him, and just see where that takes us. Blogging is so good for figuring things out sometimes:)

Chance

I've decided not to respond to my dads letter that he wrote to me a few months back. It just feels right...at least at this moment it does.




Chance

The letter still lies in a drawer
unanswered
and too much time
has passed
It's easier to let you go
less pain
to look forward to
Maybe I can move on
just knowing that you tried
I wanted you to fight
to hold on to us

so long ago
but we were never enough
Maybe I will write
and maybe this time
I will be too late
but that is the chance
that I will have to take

Angela Minard 2009©

Afraid Of Hunger

After so many years of starving myself, I’m feeding my body, and it hurts. It physically and emotionally causes me pain. This year of recovery has been so difficult. It took my body awhile before I was actually feeling hunger. I had ignored the hunger signals to my body for so long that when my body started to respond, it was terrifying to me, but I could no longer deny the hunger. I need food, and I hate to need anything.

Yesterday, I was driving home from work to take a lunch break, when suddenly I began crying because I was so hungry, and I didn’t want to feel it at all, and it was intense. What if I went home, and I couldn’t stop eating? What if I became this bottomless pit of wants and needs? What if a simple sandwich wasn’t enough and I wanted more? The questions were overwhelming. It was scary to be unable to turn off the hunger, but I went home, made myself a sandwich, and it was enough. I survived one more hurdle, and that feels so good!

Stage Fright

Stage Fright

I don't know the answers
I don't know my lines
I can't hear the music
I can't find the time
The dancers are shoeless
The mime turns to speak
Stage left and stage right
behind the curtain they creep

Abandoned, alone
in the glare of the lights
All eyes are on you
It's your opening night
Blindly, you see
beyond the back row
of darkness
The echo of laughter
A single shadow of fright

Angela Minard 2009©

Dancing In The Shadows

I haven't been here lately,
I know.
I wonder if I mean that literally,
and I think,
yes...I do.
I also feel
that I've run out of words
for what I'm going through.

I'm tormented, yet hopeful...
Sad, angry,
in love with life, and afraid to live...
afraid to feel.
Pins and needles raining down
and I feel raw and exposed...
throbbing with pain,
so alive.

Every day,
I wonder if I can do this,
and then, amazingly...
I do.
I cry
more than I ever have in my whole life.
I get mad over little things.
I don't feel like myself,
and then, again,
maybe I am finding out who I really am.
Complicated, imperfect,
filled with love and light,
trying to hold on, and not give up...
to lift up my soul, and dance.