Self Validation

My assignment this week in therapy is to start a self validation notebook. Ugh! Unfortunately, what I'm great at is beating myself up. How is that for self validation? Probably not what my therapist has in mind. This will be a difficult task for me, or at least it feels hard for me to get started. Maybe once I actually think of something, then more will come pouring out. I can only hope so anyway. For one thing, it makes me feel uncomfortable to give myself praise, recognition, or appreciation. I think that many of us feel like it is wrong or conceited, and therefore "bad" to do this, but I can see where only seeking validation from others can lead to trouble, so I'm going to try to work on this. Wish me luck!
This week my emotions have been all over the place. I cry a lot more than I used to. I seem to get angry over little things. Maybe that is to be expected. My emotions are coming to the surface, and I'm starting to let myself feel them. I also still do things to numb the feelings when it all becomes too painful. Drinking is something that I find myself doing to avoid my feelings, although it really doesn't seem to work as well as it used to. When we found out that Dave's tumor was growing again, I went out and bought some alcohol, but I found that although it may postpone the pain, it doesn't really make it go away. All of the things that I do to escape the feelings are only temporary, and eventually, I'm still going to have to feel them. You would think that wouldn't be so hard to figure out, and yet, I'm still working on it. My therapist is always reminding me that when we avoid the painful feelings, we also become immune to the joys of life. The thought of this always makes me so sad. I do not want to miss out on anymore joy.

A Morning Meditation

I think that I have talked here a few times about how each morning I wake up with a sense of fear and dread, and it makes it so hard for me to want to get up and face the day. Well, this morning, the same thing happened, but instead of laying in bed with feelings of dread, I decided to take a few deep, cleansing breaths and focus my mind on everything that I am grateful for in my life, and also the things that bring me joy. It only took about five minutes, and then after that I really did feel less afraid of going out into the world. I'm going to try to make a habit of starting out my mornings with an informal meditation of sorts. I think it really helped me to have a better day and see things in a more positive light. I'm not even really sure why I wake up so afraid every day. I love my job and the children that I work with, so it certainly isn't that. I do think that the nightmares and flashbacks I have make me somewhat hyper-vigilant, as if I'm going to be attacked at any moment. It is the anxiety of the unknown.
My therapist told me to try to tell myself before I go to sleep, that when I have a nightmare, I will fight back in the dream, so the past few nights, I have said that to myself. It is much different from what I usually say, which is, "Please God, don't let me have any nightmares." It is part of taking back my power, which I am really working on.
Friday night my flashbacks were really bad, but Dave made sure that I stayed near him, which really helped even though my gut reaction is to isolate myself so that no one else can see what I'm going through. The rest of the weekend was much better, and I was also nightmare free. That is what I want. Freedom from fear.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Today kicks off the start of National Eating Disorder Awareness week.
This is a great outreach event for those who have either suffered, or have had to see a friend suffer from an eating disorder or unhealthy body image.
To participate, you don’t have to “do” anything. Just hope that someday, we can get rid of eating disorders for good!
What started with professionals in the field — who are now known as Founders of NEDA — in 1987 has become a passionate movement known as NEDAwareness Week . The largest eating disorders outreach effort in the country is held the last week in every February and has helped reach millions of people with messages of prevention, hope and recovery.
Mission:Our aim of NEDAwareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses — not choices — and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder.
*Official Website http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/programs-events/nedawareness-week.php

And Still She Cannot Breathe

This week has been so hard. I started out the week with a nightmare about my rape that then triggered some flashbacks. I hadn't had any flashbacks for awhile, so I was hoping that they were gone for good, but no such luck. It is horrible to be forced to relive such painful memories, especially when I work so hard to put it all behind me. Why is it so difficult to stay in the present? Is it because I haven't worked through all of the emotions that I need to work through? Yesterday, I had flashbacks off and on all day, and after every one, I would cry, and then I would feel so angry. Angry at the tears, and angry at what brought on the tears. Angry that I'm still dealing with this after so many years, and frustrated that I'm not better yet. I become so impatient with myself and my progress. I was even mad at my medication. Why wasn't it working? I was feeling great the week before, and now this...I couldn't understand why the healing was always so up and down.

I did have a good therapy session, and was able to actually talk about some details of the rape without totally losing my mind. That is definitely progress, and I feel like the more that I can talk it through with my therapist, the less power it will hold over me. I want so much to take back my power.

Held down and gagged
she fights to scream
Hoping this is only a dream
and still
she cannot breathe
and still
she cannot breathe

All In Parts and Pieces

The nightmares come when I least expect them and I'm fading in and out of my own head. It seems that I will never get away from it and them. They haunt me in my dreams and all that I want to do right now is scream and yell at the top of my lungs that I hate, I hate, I hate them, but the house is silent, so all that I can do is scream from the bottom of my soul. I'm trying to stay here in the present, but I can feel myself floating away, and my fingers on these keys are what is connecting me to myself. I know that I'm not making any sense, but this is what dissociating feels like. If I were to lay in bed right now in the quiet darkness I feel that I would drift into the nothingness and I may never find my way back, or at least that is the fear... the fear that I may never want to come back.

And I'm alone now
Me and all I stood for
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
swim lonely
find your own way out
So far away
it's growing colder
without your love
Why can't you feel me
calling your name
Can't break the silence
It's breaking me
All my fears turn to rage
And I'm alone now
We're wandering now
All in parts and pieces
swim lonely
Find your own way out

How

How

How can I memorize
your face
your smell
each glance
each touch?
The feel
of your lips on mine
Matching every breath
you take with my own
How can I ever
let you go?

Angela Minard 2009©

A Weight Has Been Lifted

Yesterday we had our family therapy session so that we could talk to the boys about my suicide attempt. Both my therapist and Dave's therapist were there to facilitate the session, and I had a session with my therapist beforehand. I was so nervous, but I think that the session went really well. I think that the kids were mostly worried that they had done something wrong to make me so unhappy with my life. I think that I was able to assure them that the reason that I was sad and in so much pain had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my past and how I felt about myself. It was important that they understand that it was a horrible mistake that I made, and one that I promised them that I would not repeat again. They are really wonderful boys, and I am so blessed and thankful that they are a part of my life...one of the best parts of my life!

I am so relieved that the session is over with though. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, which is such a cliche', but very true. I feel like I can really move forward with my life now, and put the past and my mistakes behind me. That doesn't mean that I won't still have hurdles to jump over, but I feel like the path ahead is clearer. I think the biggest hurdle besides Dave's brain tumor is this damn eating disorder. The sickest that I have ever been was after Dave's second surgery, and this recent diagnosis is a huge trigger for my anorexia. I want to be healthy, strong, and not try to mask my emotions with the distraction of my eating disorder, but I think that it is going to take a great deal of vigilance. I do have to say though that I'm feeling much stronger, and generally in good spirits. I'm getting regular exercise, and the new anti-depressant that I've been on seems to be working.

Life is good:)

A Family Therapy Session

I'm bored and grumpy right now. I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but Dave rented some World War 2 movie, which doesn't interest me in the least. I just bought a book called Still Alice by Lisa Genova, which is about a woman with early onset Alzheimers disease, so I guess I will try to start reading that tonight. The problem is that lately I have zero concentration and so much on my mind that my thoughts tends to wander when I read. It really sucks because I used to love to get lost inside of a book.

Tomorrow we have a family therapy session, and I'm really nervous about it. The kids don't totally understand what happened the night of my suicide attempt, so we are going to answer any questions that they have. I'm going to be honest and tell them that I took an overdose of pills. My therapist said to explain to them that some bad things happened to me when I was younger and that I was hurting and in a lot of pain, and that I just wanted that pain to go away. I want to let them know that I love them so much, and I never wanted to leave them. I want them to understand that it had nothing to do with the amount of love that I have for them. At the time, I wasn't thinking clearly and all that I wanted was to stop hurting. I know that they will have many questions, and I want to be prepared for what they have to ask me. I hope that I will have clear answers that they will understand. More than anything, I hope that they can forgive me. I'm going to see my therapist an hour before our family session, so hopefully that will help to prepare me. I'm scared, apprehensive, ashamed and feeling very raw and vulnerable. I want to turn off my mind and stop thinking for awhile. I haven't been sleeping very well the past few night, and my emotions are so close to the surface. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I thought that I was going to cry when Dave came home and told me what movie he had rented. That is just so ridiculous and frustrating because the tears have nothing what so ever to do with a damn movie! I'm so glad that I have this blog. It really helps me so much to write out some of what is going on in my head. So,anyway...wish me luck tomorrow. I think that I will just be intensly relieved when it is over. Then I think that I can finally move past this horrible mistake that I have made.

Worry Is Wasteful And Useless In Times Like These

I'm trying not to let my mind race too far ahead of itself, but in times of fear, I'm afraid that isn't one of my strengths, although I realize that it does no good.

For those of you that don't know, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor eleven years ago, and has had two craniotomies to try to remove it, but because it is touching the brain stem, they have been unable to remove all of it. This afternoon he had his yearly MRI scan, and it showed that the tumor is growing again. That is not the news that we wanted to hear. His neurosurgeon is going to get a second opinion on a procedure called the gamma knife to see if Dave would be a candidate for that treatment before he has to have another invasive and risky surgery. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an option. His last surgery was so difficult and we almost lost him. I know that we are both dreading having to go through anything like that ever again. I cannot even imagine my life without him, but there I go again, getting ahead of myself! Anyway...Dave said something to me tonight that just about broke my heart. He said, "I'm glad that you are here with me."

~Tonight the lyrics to this song by Jewel gave me some comfort~

Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

Understanding Anger

I have been feeling a lot of sadness and anger lately, and not sure where it was coming from. My therapist helped me with guided imagery at our last session, and it really helped me to see who my anger was directed at all of this time. She had me close my eyes and describe what my anger looked like. I said that it looked like a humongous, grey, sludge-like pulsing mass. Then she asked me whose face I saw when I looked at it. I said that I saw my own face. She then told me to pull myself out of the sludge. When I did this, I could very clearly see the two faces of my rapists, and behind them, my father was left. She then said that all of this time, those were the people who hid behind me, and let me take the blame, and so I took all of that anger out on myself. When I would say that I felt fat, that was really me saying how angry I was, and that was ultimately what the suicide attempt was about... my own self loathing and anger at myself.
Now that I don't have the eating disorder to help mask all of these emotions, they are rising to the surface, and can be very overwhelming. That is one of the reasons I had a panic attack on the day of the suicide attempt. All of that really made so much sense to me, and just knowing where the anger was coming from and who I needed to direct the anger at helped me to understand my own feelings. Now the anger doesn't seem so big somehow, and that is a huge relief.

A Child's Rage

I'm drowning
in painful sorrow and rage
Choking on the bitter bile of hate
My lungs closed tight with fear
Why couldn't I be saved
by my father right upstairs?
Why couldn't my mother
know that I was scared?
Why couldn't God
hear my prayers?
Childish thoughts
left hanging in the air
The blame and shame
I took on as my own
and now that I am grown,
the anger tries to hide
behind the shadow of a little girl
and I took it out on her
I just wanted her to die

Angela Minard 2009©

The Path Forward

Every day I wake up with a sense of fear and dread, but I can't really pin down any reasons for why I feel this way. In fact I have many feelings that I seem unable to explain. On Saturday, I was feeling so sad, and then out of the blue came feelings of agitation and anger which I ended up taking out on some dishes that I was washing. These feelings come bubbling up to the surface and then I'm not sure what to do with them. The anger confuses me because it has no direction in which to go, and I don't want to take it out on my family, so I end up turning it inward. Maybe I just need a sturdy punching bag and some boxing gloves! Each day that I get through is a victory at this point. The thoughts of self harm are still there, but I'm able to push them down by thinking of my children and those I love. They are what keep me going right now. What scares me is the fact that my suicide attempt was impulsive and brought on by fear and panic. Yes, I had those thoughts before my attempt, but I never believed that I could actually ever carry those thoughts into action. Maybe that is where the sense of fear and dread come from. I'm afraid that I don't know how to live. I'm trying though. I'm trying to eat, although it has been difficult because I don't have an appetite at all. I'm also trying to get regular exercise because I know that it does help with the depression. My psychiatrist changed my meds, so now along with the Abilify, I'm also taking Lamictal, which is used as a mood stabilizer in treating bipolar disorder. It is supposed to help with the depression, so I'm really hoping that it does. I'm not worked up to a therapeutic dose yet, so it is hard to know if it is going to help. Work has been okay. My concentration and focus aren't all there, but it does seem greatly improved compared to last week, which actually seems like a blur to me now. My brother sent me a card yesterday, and in it, he wrote, "Sometimes you have to take one step backwards so you can see the path that goes forward." So, I will keep moving forward, even if it is only one baby step at a time.