Night Music

Night Music

I sit here in the darkness,

only the glow of my laptop illuminates the yawning night.
This house hums it's own familiar tune,

one I've listened to on many of my midnight wanderings,

which is all at once comforting and disconcerting.
I feel like I'm the whisper of a ghost,

floating through rooms,

touching what isn't mine.
I return to the thought of being a fraud,

having everything that I don't deserve.
In the expanse of blackness surrounding me,

nothing seems real.
Too many waking hours pass by,

and when the light finally comes,

I've never been so alive.

Angela Minard2011©

I Believe

I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my therapists office. She asks me to do this, and I hate when she wants me to try one of her therapy tricks. I'm self conscious, fearing that I will look like an idiot, or I will do it wrong. I roll my eyes, but I go ahead and sit on the carpet, my legs tucked into my chest, and my arms wrapped around my knees. She tells me to close my eyes, which I reluctantly do. "How do you feel?" she asks. Besides stupid, which is what I think to myself, I reply truthfully that I feel safe and protected in this position. She then asks me to hold my arms out to my sides, as if I was flying, and to put my legs out in front of me. I actually feel my heart rate increase as she asks me once again how I feel. I hate it, feeling open, vulnerable, and entirely out of my comfort zone. She asks me what I make of the exercise, and at first I say, "I don't know," which is my standard response to being questioned. "Yes, you do," she smiles. "Put on your therapists hat and tell me what you think." I pause for a minute, gathering my thoughts, and then I say, "A therapist would probably say that I'm closing myself off, afraid of expansion and growth." Really, I knew the answer the entire time, but I'm always afraid that I will be wrong. She agrees with my insight, raising her eyebrows, and waiting for me to say more, but what more is there to say? I could have told her that without having to do the exercise. It is important for me to feel safe and protected, and changes, either good or bad, make me anxious and unsettled. That is why I'm the most comfortable when I'm entrenched in my eating disorder. I feel as if nothing and no one can touch me. I'm only focused on reaching my goal, although history has proven that the goal is unattainable. Nevertheless, it keeps me from feeling exposed. "Doesn't it make you sad that you are closing yourself off from the world?" she asks me. I honestly don't feel like that is what I'm doing. I'm out in the world, I work, I see people, I'm comfortable this way. I'm supposed to want to change, to move forward and past the pain, but the eating disorder takes away the pain. My therapist would argue that it also takes away the joy, but I disagree. She tells me that the eating disorder has created an illusion, and it has tricked me into believing its lies. I'm stubborn, and past listening to anyone at this point. Leave me alone, I'm in control, it won't go too far, I know what I'm doing this time. And I believe. I truly believe.

Better

Here I am again, sleepless and frustrated. Sometimes I don't mind it if I can't sleep, but tonight it is really getting to me because it is starting to take its toll. I'm tired, but I can't shut down my mind. I go through the day in my head, counting the mistakes that I've made, and it drives me insane. Today it was the fact that I had to stand up in front of my co-workers and lead a discussion group. I got up there and blundered my way through it, with my legs shaking the entire time. Everyone was very supportive, but still I couldn't help feeling scutinized and judged. Logically I know that it is most likely all in my mind, but my emotions override all logic. I'm also already worrying about a test that I have to take in May. It is ridiculous to do this to myself, and yet I don't know what to do to stop it. I have sleep medication, but it doesn't seem to be working as well. I try to do relaxing visualizations while I'm in bed, but still the thoughts creep in.
I want to write about the fact that I'm barely eating...maybe 300 calories a day, if that, but there is really not much to say. I'm determined to lose weight, as if that will make everything else go away. I still have clothes in my closet that are too small, and I obsess over them, the way I obsess over what I'm going to wear each day. My mom and I weeded out some clothes in my closet when I came home from treatment, but I still hung on to quite a bit. I honestly don't want to let go. I see my nutritionist tomorrow, and I don't even know what to talk about. She knows that I'm not doing well with food, but right now I feel like there is nothing anyone can say to change my mind. I will know when I've reached a weight that I'm happy with. All I want is to feel better about myself.

Questioning My Feelings

I'm realizing that I constantly question my own feelings. I ask myself why I'm feeling them instead of acknowledging them and validating them. This morning I felt inexplicably happy, and then immediately asked myself why. In the case of happiness, I think I question so that I can hang on to it, forgetting that there are a myriad of reasons for joy. Pain, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, disappointment...those feelings are all bad in my mind. I label them, squirm away from them, and feel shame that I even have those feelings, especially if some of them are directed toward someone else. I'm going to try to be more aware of this. How many times in treatment and therapy have I heard the phrase, "You need to sit with your feelings." That is difficult for me to do.
I've been a bit manic lately with sleepless nights, and racing thoughts, and then of course questioning again, I wonder if I confuse happiness with the high that comes from a manic phase. I don't have them often anymore. I think for the most part the meds keep me on an even keel.
I'm looking forward to spring so much. We have had a few teasers here and there, and I can't wait to see the crocus, daffodils, and redbuds bloom. Winter always seems so endless, as if there is nothing to look forward to, but spring offers new possibilities, or at least the promise of them. I love the idea of something wonderful waiting right around the corner:)

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week kicks off today. The aim of NEDAwareness Week is to ultimately prevent eating disorders and body image issues while reducing the stigma surrounding eating disorders and improving access to treatment. Eating disorders are serious, life-threatening illnesses — not choices — and it’s important to recognize the pressures, attitudes and behaviors that shape the disorder.

The picture above was taken while I was at Renfrew, which is an eating disorder treatment facility. I signed up for a phototherapy class, and as a group we decided to photograph all of our hands together. To me it symbolizes reaching out for help, accepting each others differences, and gathering strength from each other. Living with a group of women who were all suffering from similar things was very powerful and helped me to not feel so alone.
I have posted this poem that I wrote to go with the photograph before, but I thought this week would be a good time to repost. Eating disorders thrive in isolation and silence. If you are feeling lost and alone, please reach out and ask for help.

Together We Are Strong

Arriving alone, shaken and scared
it didn't take long for your hands to be there
Reaching out through the pain
Holding on to all who came

And together we were strong
Each voice shared a different song
We grew in strength in our own time
With helping hands we could choose to fly

There are times when I falter, fearing that I may fall
I remember those hands when I'm feeling small
And together we are strong.

Angela Minard 2008©

You Only Live Once

Between nightmares and worry, I was awake for a full 48 hours, and then the flu hit me. It wasn't surprising considering I had been thrown up on by one of my little friends on Tuesday. I'm caught up on sleep now, and my worry has subsided. The little boy that was in the ICU is now doing much better. We are still waiting on test results, but he is alert and eating, so those are good signs. I don't realize how attached to my students I get until something like this happens. It is easy to take good health for granted, and to believe that your loved ones will be around forever. I try not to think of losing the important people in my life. I'd rather live in denial I suppose. I almost lost my husband once, and I'll never forget how terrifying that was to go through. I'm blessed that I still have my parents, and all of my immediate family surrounding me.

Now let's move on to some happier thoughts:) My appetite is back, and I've been wanting one of those Sonic Red Velvet/Cheesecake Blasts. My husband and I are going out to get one. YUM!!! I'm allowing myself a treat:)

Send Up A Prayer

Please send up a prayer, good karma, or whatever you've got for a little friend of mine with autism who is in kindergarten, and I also work with him. He is in the ICU, and not doing well. We have been hit hard in our classroom this year, as a few months back we lost another 5 yr.old to a seizure disorder. Thank you so much!

***UPDATE***

My little friend is doing better, and they have moved him out of the ICU.

Thank you all, for your prayers and good thoughts!

Morning Musings

It is 4:00 a.m., and here I am. The nightmares get me everytime, and although I could wake my husband up for some comfort, I don't, mostly because I feel unclean. I used to take a bath after one of those dreams having to do with the rape, but I have to force myself not to because what would happen is that I would cry, have flashbacks, and then dissociate. I've even been found in the bathtub by my husband with my clothes on, so instead I got up, made myself some tea, and decided to get on the computer. I suppose that it is good that I've learned to use another way to cope. I have therapy today, so maybe we can figure out what triggers these dreams. I hate them so much! It always affects me the day after, and it doesn't help that I'm tired from not getting sleep. I'm also worried about a new student that we are getting today. He has some severe behavioral issues, and will need a lot of support. He will have a para coming with him, and although the para knows the student, he has never worked directly with him before. It will upset the balance of the classroom for awhile, which is fine, but I'm worried about the student that I work with who also has very challenging behaviors and is quite aggressive. I think it will be a little crazy for awhile. I love my job, but there are days! Yesterday I was thrown up on by one of my 5 yr. olds. I went to wipe his runny nose and all of a sudden he puked right into my hands. Lovely! :) Okay, sorry that was probably too much information, but it's all in good fun :-D
It has helped so much to write this morning, so thanks for reading. I love my little blog!

On My Own Two Feet

You tickle me because you say that you like to hear my laughter. "Don't you like to laugh?" you ask me. I've been thinking about your question, and that you must mean that I don't laugh very often. I don't cry either. I smile. Sometimes I smile so much that it hurts. I'm afraid of intense emotions...afraid I will lose control of myself or reveal too much. Within a smile, lies and pain are hidden away. Very few will question someone wearing a smile. It keeps everyone at a safe distance, although lately I have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to live in a cage anymore. Why do I continue to push away the people who want to help me break free? It is because I have never had any belief in myself...only shame and self loathing, and I know that I need to rid myself of those things. It feels like such a daunting task. If I'm honest, all I really want is for someone else to lift the weight off of my shoulders. I'm tired and lazy, and I don't want to do the work. I want to be done with the eating disorder, but I want someone else to feed me my meals like when I was inpatient. I know that sounds pathetic, but when I was inpatient there was no choice but to eat. It was eat, be tube fed, or have to drink extra supplements which no one wanted to do. I just can't seem to stay on track all by myself. I have a horrible fear of eating three meals a day, and gaining more weight. That is my reality, so although I want more help, no one can give that to me. I have to have the courage and strength to beat this on my own. I know that I have been successful in the past, but I always seem to slip, and that is disheartening. I have to find a way to pick myself up, and stand on my own two feet.

Fading

I step through your door, into the safe familiarity of pictures and books, the window where I've watched the rain and snow, protected from the bright glare of the sun chasing after me. We have talked, and sat in silence while you wait for my words, of which I've run out. I nod when you speak, agreeable and compliant, because my decision is to resign. I've tried to tell you, but you won't give up, when I've all but begged you to, and yet I continue to cast shadows on your floor. "I will believe for you, until you can believe on your own," you say with such compassion that my throat constricts, and I cannot seem to swallow so much pain. I tell you that I feel an overwhelming need to apologize. I call you on the phone, but you say that you can't work with me like this. I'm a petulant child, an angry adolescent, and you refuse to play my games. I'm sorry that I do this, that I reach for you, and then become volatile when you attempt to help me. I reach, I push, I run, I hide, and every week I return to the shelter of you, because I'm afraid that if I don't show up, I'll lose all sense of time. You are a touch point within the moments, hours, days that get lost, hoping that you will find me before I fade away. Before I fade away...

Never

“In spite of language, in spite of intelligence and intuition and sympathy, one can never really communicate anything to anybody. The essential substance of every thought and feeling remains incommunicable, locked up in the impenetrable strong-room of the individual soul and body. Our life is a sentence of perpetual solitary confinement.” ~ Aldous Huxley

There is deep within, a depth of despair that I cannot seem to find the words for… that I seem unable, or maybe it is unwilling to express. In desperation, I reach into my own silence, and I’m drowning inside. I tell myself that no one understands how empty and stolen I feel, as if my soul has been ripped away, and can never be repaired. Never is such a child’s word. Never is eternity, an endless chasm in which I’ve fallen. I don’t remember asking you to promise that you would never leave. “Never ever,” I said, like a little girl, but promises are also for children, and you can’t, you reply. I’m embarrassed by your memory, because mine skips time when I’m afraid. I thought that I was reaching out, but really, all that I’m asking is for you to give up…to let me go.

Today

Today

I awoke
to a crack in the sky
the fractured night
where the stars
fall into the light
pinpoints streaming
blinding my eyes
wide open I see
what in this darkness
I dream

Angela Minard 2011©

Hide And Seek

Hide And Seek

I hid in the hamper and fell asleep
You forgot to find me
or maybe you never even looked
I was never very good at playing games anyway
always forgetting the rules
I once forgot to put my feet down
while skipping rope

I hate the smell of the playground
the breath of children running
leaving me behind to chase their laughter
Listening to the creaking hinges while I swing,
the rusted chains pinch my palms
and I'm hypnotized by the clouds in the sky
until the whistle blows and it's time to go in

Close your eyes and count to ten
Close your eyes and let's pretend
Who do you want to be?
A princess, a pirate, the one with the key...
Open them now and look around
Are you lost, or are you found?

Angela Minard 2011©

The First Of February

We had quite the snow storm here yesterday! I wrote this poem to mark the occasion.

The First Of February

Soon the snow will rest
on the hard, frost covered earth
The colorless sky
will meet the cold ground
blending like a faded painting
into the silence
The storm begins
in the still solace of the night
before the wind rushes in
waking the world
with a sun
that never rises

Angela Minard 2011©

Time

Time

"It is time," you tell me.
Time...and I'm lost, with the time ticking away.
The seconds echoing in the distance.
I'm so far from where you are,
and where you want me to be.
Your words are muddled
and mixed up within my own thoughts,
and nothing makes sense anymore.
Tangled up in my black and white world,
disappearing into the grey.
"It is time," you say, as the heat rises to my head.
Time...and I'm lost, with the time ticking away.
The minutes pass inside the safety of you
and once I walk out your door the fear holds my hand.
Time is slipping, slowly stealing what is left,
and I'm barely here.
My mind shouts never, and can't,
while you tell me it's my choice.
Time...and I'm lost, with the time ticking away.

Angela Minard 2011©