Handle With Care

I just read this over at Laura's Soap Box and wanted to share it with you all.

People facing an eating disorder - the patient, the family, and the clinical team - have to hold a few necessary but insufficient facts in their head for a long time. Each of them are counterintuitive, complex, and difficult to achieve. Grasping one, no matter how enthusiastically, will not help unless you embrace the others, too:

1.Eating disorders are a real brain problem, not an accumulation of wrong thoughts.

2.The first order of business is normalizing nutrition, activity, and eating behaviors.

3.The mental symptoms will get worse before they get better.

4.The mental symptoms will outlast the visible and medically measurable symptoms.

5. Full recovery is the goal.

6.Relapse prevention is necessary.

I often forget #1. Eating disorders are a mental disorder, and yet I beat myself up and blame myself. I am frustrated because of the mental symptoms. I wouldn't wish for anyone to be trapped inside of my mind. This doesn't give me the excuse to throw my hands up in the air and surrender to the disorder, but it is a reminder to go easier on myself. I'm not fragile, and I won't break, but still I can handle with care.

Out Of My Head

I'm crabby this morning, out of sorts, and sucking down coffee like nobody's business in the hopes that I'm just not fully awake. Today I was hoping for a pool day, but it is raining at the moment, and even though we desperately need the rain, I'm pouting:( Maybe it will clear off by this afternoon. I want something to do, and I think that I need to be around people today. I need to get out of my head. For the most part, my head is filled with eating disordered thoughts. Last night I even had a dream that I ate a whole bag of M&M's. I woke up feeling so guilty, and I don't even like M&M's that much! Everything I eat feels like too much, and on top of it, my appetite is coming back, and that causes anxiety. It is coming back because I'm really trying to eat more, but it is such a catch 22, and I go around in circles with myself over whether to eat or not eat. I want to get off the merry go around...to be able to eat without guilt and loathing for myself. I want full recovery, and sometimes I feel so close, and then I go backward. I'm healthy. I'm at a healthy weight, and more in shape than I have been in a long time. To look at me, you would think, "totally recovered," but it is my mind that is so screwed up. I want to feel as healthy as I look.

Okay, I think my coffee has kicked in, I'm off to a yoga class, and hopefully when I come out there will be some sunshine. Happy Saturday to everyone!

Inside Out

I had a smoothie when I came home from yoga, and I just finished snacking on rice crackers and wasabi peas. I already feel anxious about what I've eaten. I'm working on eating more than once a day. That is a rule that I often fall into, and it is very difficult for me to break. The anxiety truly does not come from the food. It comes from feelings that rise to the surface when I don't use restriction to distract myself. I'm also afraid that once I begin to eat, my appetite will return, and I will want food. I already know that I need it, but to WANT it feels wrong. I'm really going to try listening to my body more when it comes to eating, and not so much to my head, where everything gets distorted and twisted around. I have to start convincing myself that eating several times a day is something positive that I'm doing for myself. What is hard is that I don't think that I've felt physically bad while only consuming one meal a day. Of course that is what I'm used to, so it will take me some time to notice a difference. Right now, all I feel is overly full and uncomfortable, and those feelings make me want to escape from where I am at the moment. I'm resisting the urge to take another yoga class today, because really that would only be purging the extra calories through exercise. I want to DO something besides just sitting with the anxiety. All that I can do is wait it out, and tell myself, "it will pass."

Toys Are Fun

This is the first post that I've written on my new computer:) I'm loving it! It is so fast, and I don't know what I will do with all of my extra time. It has all of the bells and whistles. I still have a lot of exploring and playing around to do. I can Skype now that I've got a camera. Toys are fun!

In other news, my mom went back home to Florida today. It will take a bit to get used to it here without her.
This summer is flying by. I have less than 3 weeks before I go back to work. I'm going to make the most of what time I have left, although I don't have any specific plans for what I'm going to do. There are friends that I want to see, and of course in the summer, I always enjoy the sunshine. I was born in the wrong part of the country. I need warmth 24/7.
Well, I wanted to test out the lap top, and it works just beautifully. I'm sure that I will be back to writing again later in the week. Hope everyone is having a good one!

Mini Family Reunion

Yesterday we had a mini family reunion with my aunts and cousins from my dad's side of the family. We don't get together often since my parents divorce, but we met for brunch and had such a great time catching up. Here are some pictures~

My Aunt CoCo, Aunt Toni, and I.



The boys with their cousins Olivia and Cooper.

My cousins Gina and Michelle with Baby Cooper.

Little Cooper already acting like a typical male:)

Little Cooper

My Mom with Aunt CoCo

Lots Of Smiles

I couldn't sleep last night, so I'm up early. It is okay after days of catching up. I'm sitting here having coffee with my boys who stay up all night because it is summer. They will have a rude awakening when school starts back up in a few weeks. I love sitting around and talking with them. They have had their friends over all summer, and I love all of the laughter, although we have had some broken curfews and such:0 Now we are watching VH1 classics, and then totally 80's. I'm giving you a blow by blow of my morning...:) A little 80's jam, a little grooving as I sit and type. Madonna, yeah:) Okay, lots of smiles this morning.
I'm going to take two yoga classes this morning since I'm up so early, I'm mastering the crow pose slowly but surely, and I just love it so much. It is a slight addiction, although a good, healthy one out of all the many obsessions that I've had. Okay...what other random tid bits can I tell you? I have bright pink toes with tiny white flowers on each and every toenail, new sparkle mascara in copper, and also a new ankle bracelet that is very fun. I also get the new computer that my parents bought me, which is purple by the way. It will be here on Monday, so I won't be cussing at my old one anymore! I love the sun, and summer. I never want it to end. I'm going to savor these last few weeks before work starts back up. Okay, I'm off to get the day and this weekend underway. Wishing you all a good one!

Damn Crow

"Honor your body."
I hear these words often during yoga class, and it always brings up emotions in me. I'm sad over the years that I've treated my body with total disregard. I'm trying to improve, but still sometimes I take out my pain on this body, even through yoga. I've been working on a pose called "Crow pose," which is a balancing pose. You get down on all fours and then you rest your knees on your triceps and lift your feet off the ground. My triceps are black and blue from repetetive attempts, and yet most of the time it is my nose that hits the ground. I'm realizing that I'm not honoring my body and that right now it has limitations. Limitations are okay. I will keep trying, but I don't have to beat myself up over it. Sometimes I think that it is my mind more than anything that gets in my way.
I've been eating at least one meal a day, and sometimes snacks here and there. Dave and I are going out on a dinner date tonight to Lidia's, which is our favorite Italian restaraunt. I plan on honoring my body:)

Much Better

Yesterday was so much better. I slept last night after a week of sleeplessness and dreams. Today I feel like a whole new person. I also ate a good dinner last night, and that always helps my state of mind, if only I could remember that, and not let the eating disordered thoughts get in the way. My step dad arrived yesterday, and it is always fun to have him around. I'm getting ready for a yoga class, and then spending the day with my family. The only one missing is my brother. This weekend will be fun. I hope that you all have a great weekend also:)

Collusion

I soak the bed almost every night,
waking up shivering in my damp,
sweat covered pajamas.
They chase me,
and my limbs are heavy and slow,
my screams bear down like weights in my chest.
I choke on my food,
barely able to swallow,
and the fear keeps me from eating.

I see my trauma therapist next week.
I'm struggling with memories...things they said to me.
Those voices ring in my ears,
and I long for the silence.
As I drift into fit full sleep,
I hear them whispering.
Men collude with each other.
Their faces grotesque,
floating above me, sneering in victory.
I will not let them win.

Topeka, Ks.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon in Topeka visiting friends who have always been like grandparents to me. It was a fun day with lots of laughs and memories. Here are some pictures of everyone.

Somewhere deep down inside there is a hunger, but I just can't seem to find it.

My mom is here, and we have already probably done too much shopping. I say probably, because you can never do too much shopping:) The only thing is that I can't even say that I like something or say it's cute because my mom will buy it for me. I'm not complaining at all, but it isn't necessary for us to have fun. My parents definitely spoil me! My step dad will be here soon. He will think I'm sucking up when I say this because he reads my blog, but I can't wait to see him. We have always gotten along well, and I think of him as my biological dad. He makes me laugh:-D
I'm still having a hard time eating. I don't have any appetite at all, and nothing sounds good. As much as I've always restricted, I've still always loved food. My mom is good about not pressuring me to eat. I'm still doing some dinner, and physically I feel fine. That only reinforces that I really don't need that much food. I'm still doing yoga everyday. It is my 4th month, and my balance and focus is improving, along with my muscle tone and flexability. It is one of my most favorite things.
Well, I'm off for some more shopping. My mom likes to stay busy! Hope everyone has enjoyed the weekend, and has a great week!

The Courage To Try

There are times when I'm sitting in a crowded room, surrounded by a room full of people who love me, and I feel so alone. The laughter and conversations buzz around in my head, and somehow I have disconnected myself from everything. I don't know why this happens. It is like all of a sudden I can't maintain who everyone thinks I am. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, and to allow room for my own imperfection. Yesterday I kept falling out of a yoga balancing pose, and I could feel my face begin to crumble. I can't cry in therapy, but I can cry during yoga? I get so easily frustrated with myself. My friend Eve suggested that I try drawing, which I cannot even imagine, but it would probably be a good idea. I might get up the courage to try. I want to have the courage to let go of the fear of failure.

The Aftermath

Therapy was difficult yesterday. We talked about "new" memories that I've been having. They are mostly body memories, and the pain of remembering. We also talked about my guilt and shame over not screaming and fighting. I was telling my mom about the aftermath. My dad lived in an apartment where I was raped. After it happened, I cleaned myself up. There was so much blood. For some strange reason I put on a bathing suit. I walked to the apartment dumpster and threw away the sheets. I remember that there were tiny yellow roses on the pajamas that I had been wearing...I threw them away also. God, I was a child. Afterward I walked through the gate into the apartment pool, jumping into the water and swimming furiously back and forth, my breath coming in rapid gasps. I wanted to be clean and submerged. Eventually I climbed out, exhausted. I went and lay down on the diving board, falling asleep. Early in the morning, as the sun was coming up, a neighbor woman saw me who had always been so kind to me, came and scooped me up, carrying me into her apartment, where I slept on her couch for hours. I wonder why she didn't take me to my dad. I know that I must have been in shock. My mom remembers me walking off the plane when I came home, my hair dyed a stark blonde. She said that I looked frightened, but she thought that I was just afraid that she would be mad about my hair. I thought I would tell her, the words stuck in my throat, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't even have the words for what had happened to me. She remebers taking me to the doctor for a vaginal infection, and the doctor couldn't insert the speculem. I don't recall this. It makes it real, and why sometimes it feels dream like makes me angry. The anger comes and I push it away.
Yesterday my therapist said that I seemed flat and emotionless. It is the eating disorder that makes me like that. I don't eat all day. I was telling my friend Jenny that I'm on the one meal a day rule right now. I'm having a harder time the swallowing than usual. It is listed as one of the side effects of the Abilify that I'm on, so that is most likely the reason, but it makes it harder to want to eat. Today I see my nutritionist to get weighed. Part of me wants to know my weight, but I also know that it would be triggering. 100 lbs, 95, 90...it would never be enough. I like that I'm getting more toned from the yoga, and I don't feel really bad about my body right now. I think that I can get back on track. This is just a blip in my recovery, and until I get all the way through healing, which I do hope will happen, I think those blips are going to happen.
Okay, my husband is sitting here watching me blog. "What are you doing. Writing a book, he asks?" I will wrap this up now:)

I'm not doing so well with my eating right now. I feel like I just want to change...to change my body. I think it has something to do with somehow being new and different. I'm still loving yoga. I go five or six times a week, and I can see a difference in my body. The thing is that I always want more. I can wear clothes in my closet that I haven't worn in three years, and I probably get too excited about it. I wish starving wasn't such an addiction for me. I definitely get a high from it.
Anyway...my mom is here. We have already hit Target, which is a dangerous place for me:) I have some outings and plans for us. Saturday we are going to a workshop/meditation at my yoga studio to meet our spirit guides. My husband is going too. He had an experience with seeing his spirit guide when he was in the hospital after his brain tumor surgery. I think it will be really interesting and fun. I'm open minded. I'm excited about my step dad coming to visit. He is so awesome! He bought me a new computer as a gift. My parents are so generous to me and our family. The computer is purple too. Yay, my favorite color:)
Besides struggling with the eating disorder, I feel really good. I love that we are helping people on the Cycle Of Healing. All that I've ever wanted from what I have endured is to make a difference, and help people.

When Will I Forgive?

"They held me down and took turns. I didn't struggle, I didn't scream, and for so long I have hated myself for that." I just wrote these words on The Cycle Of Healing blog, and I realize that most of my self hatred stems from the fact that I didn't try. I did nothing. I question myself constantly over this. "Why didn't you fight?" I still have dreams where I am paralyzed, and I have no voice. I want to forgive myself, but to be honest, I haven't yet.

Freedom

I'm officially on Summer vacation!!! On Friday I went shopping and out to lunch with a friend. I bought a sun dress at my new favorite store, Charming Charlie. That store is filled with sparkle and bling! I loved it:)
This weekend will be busy with a pool party today, and then my uncles's annual 4th Of July bbq on Monday. I'm also getting ready for my mom to visit. She arrives on Tuesday. It will be a busy summer, and I'm ready to enjoy it to the fullest.
I've also been really busy with the new blog, Cycle Of Healing. We would love to have more people contribute, so if you are healing from trauma and would like to share your story, art work, poems, etc..., you can contact me at cycleofhealing@gmail.com. All submissions may also be published anonymously. The more voices the better! I think it is important for survivors to be heard, but so many are afraid, and this website is a safe place for that to happen.
Well, I'm off to get ready for some fun in the sun. Wishing everyone a safe and fun holiday!