The Journey

The voices shout their bad advice, and I'm finding it hard not to listen. A wise friend said, "You are only going to relapse if you allow yourself to relapse." I'm in charge. I have choices. I tend to forget that, and the eating disorder is all too happy to take over, stealing my life. Restricting what I eat gives me the comforting illusion of safety. I can't control the brain tumor that is growing inside of my husband, but I can control my own body. The eating disorder numbs all of those scary feelings, and I'm afraid to let it go. I know what I need to do. If I can reach out, letting go of the silence, I can find my voice again.

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late enough,

and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world, determined to do

the only thing you could do

--determined to save

the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

Good Enough

I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over eating. The restricting is giving me the illusion of safety and security, and I feel like if I don't restrict, then something bad is going to happen.

Work is going well, and I really like the people that I'm working with. We do have a very aggressive student, which has been very stressful. Getting hit and kicked is an everyday occurrence. His last day will be on Friday though, so that will ease a lot of the tension in the classroom. He is being transferred over to a more appropriate environment where the safety of other students won't be compromised. I'm not sure if this is what triggered my relapse. I do think that proving that I could work with this student had something to do with it. I'm always so worried about what other people think of me, and I felt like people were watching my every move to make sure that I was following his behavior plan to the letter. Maybe now that I have proven that I'm capable, I can put less pressure on myself. I'm also worried about my husband's brain tumor. It has started to grow again, and of course, I have no control over what is going to happen. I'm terrified of losing him, and of being alone to finish raising our four sons. I know that restricting what I eat helps to numb all of those scary feelings. That is why it is so hard to let it go.

Endless Circles

I'm disconnected, and not thinking clearly, from lack of food most likely. My head aches, and I'm so very tired. Forgive me if this post goes nowhere, and is all over the place. These are the thoughts in my head~ I'm a failure. All that I do is take up space in this world. I'm selfish. I'm shallow...On and on it goes, until I'm dizzy with self hatred. Will it matter if I can fit into all of the unworn jeans hanging in my closet when I am dead from this disease? I'm losing weight, but it's not enough. Never enough. At the same time, I'm too much and never enough. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel so lonely, and yet I want everyone to leave me alone. I want someone to rescue me, and yet I realize that I can only save myself. I feel too tired to save myself. How can I save someone that I can barely stand? All questions and no answers. I never seem to have the answers, and in the end, this is all that I deserve. I have therapy tomorrow, and right now, all that I'm doing is wasting everyone's time.

January

January

I'm not sure what made me do it
Finally
After years of morbid daydreaming
Never really contemplating
the finality
Only the illusion
that I would be free

Angela Minard 2009©

The Sound Of Your Voice

The Sound Of Your Voice

so shrill
Never a whisper,
no, you always yell
How much you hate
the reflection of me
Making sure that I hear
every word you say
I've memorized
each ugly phrase
carved deep into my skin
while you hold the knife
so lovingly

You're not a lover
You're not my friend
Yet over and over
I come back again
Losing myself
Believing your lies
Hands held
over my mouth
screaming inside
I remain nothing
but mute

Angela Minard 2009©

Nothing But Time

Nothing But Time

Life goes on
with nothing new
until you say
"It's been
a dizzy day,
I just need
to be still."

In my dreams
I still can hear
you screaming in pain
and I wonder
if the time is
now.

Now,
when this world
as I know it,
ends.

We wait for October
and second opinions.
Finding comfort
in the time we have
for doing nothing.
Holding the unknown
in our idle hands.

Angela Minard 2009©

Thoughts On Recovery

I have been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me, and why I'm so resistant to it. Recovery, and eating a normal amount of food each day means that I stabalize at a weight in which I'm not happy being. How do I learn to be okay with that? For most of my life, I have starved myself. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety when I eat. Right now, with this relapse, I don't have that, and it feels good. I feel like I have some power and control. Is it a false sense of power and control? Yes, I realize that it probably is, but it is hard to want to let go of those feelings, because they are so real to me.

I'm still trying to eat dinner with the family. I know how important that is, and it is a way to stay connected when I tend to push everyone away. I want to WANT recovery, but I'm not sure how to do that.

A Step Backwards

"Are we really going back there? Just let me know, because if we are, I want to be prepared, and I want you to be prepared too, because it is never pretty." My therapist said those words during our session last night, referring to the anorexia. I didn't have an answer for her, and I could feel her frustration with me. It sounds so simple, but I don't know what to do. I want to believe that I am in control of this, and that the eating disorder isn't in charge, but I really do know that's not true. Eating right now feels so hard and I'm not sure why. I'm losing some weight, and that feels good, so it is difficult to make the right choices. The whole weight issue is so confusing. In the past week, I've had one woman ask me if I wanted to join Weight Watcher's with her, and another woman tell me how skinny I am. How do those two conversations go together? They don't. No wonder my body image is distorted. So is everyone elses!
I'm stressed about disappointing people. I don't want to go backwards, and yet, I am. So, Am I really going back there? I don't know...

Near The Edge Of Dawn

I startle easily, jumping like a newborn from the slightest touch or any sudden sound. My jumpiness can be embarrassing, and I often feel as if I'm not connected to myself, drifting part way between some other world. I have nightmares that aren't really nightmares. They are memories that play out in my sleep, near the edge of dawn, and I wake up raw. Every sound is louder, and every touch hurts more. I cannot even stand affection today. It makes me want to cringe and cry out, and if I could find some way to disappear I would. I still smile and go about my day, because that is what I know I have to do. I'm grateful that I have people to smile at, and who also smile back, even when I feel so mean inside.

Doesn't Play Well With Others

What a crazy work week! I'm really ready for things to settle down in our classroom. We have one student who is really aggressive towards staff and other students. He really needs a different placement, but that probably won't happen anytime soon. He makes the classroom environment very stressful. Last year he worked in a room by himself, and now I can see why. He bites himself, and bangs his head on the walls. He has already put a hole in the wall from one of his tantrums. I worry not only that he is going to hurt himself, but that he will hurt someone else. It is a very unsafe situation. He throws a tantrum when presented with work tasks, and has a problem with transitioning from one activity to the next. He isn't used to being in a classroom setting, so it is difficult for him to participate in group activities. The entire day feels like a battle, and I'm shell shocked by the time it is over. So now the weekend is here, and I'm relaxing and blogging with a glass of wine.

I had my therapy session on Wednesday, and we opened the letter from my dad. He didn't even mention the fact that he had found out that I had been raped. He said that he didn't feel like I was being fair to him. That just pisses me off! When was he ever fair to me and my brother? He never once takes ownership of any of the mistakes that he has made. He finds so many other places to lay the blame. Nothing is ever his fault. Well, it is his fault that I was raped that night. If he had been protecting me the way that a father should have, it never would have happened, but I was only in his way. He said that this would be the last time that he would contact me, and I hope that is true. I'm done, and I don't feel guilty anymore for not letting him back into my life. He is still only sorry for himself, not even caring about the ways in which his actions have hurt others. I feel a sense of relief, mixed with sadness and disappointment. I had hoped for more, but now I can let go and move on. I'm glad that we read the letter. I would have always wondered if I was doing the right thing by cutting him out of my life. Now I know that at this point, I am doing the right thing for me.

No wonder I needed a glass of wine tonight!

The Interpreter

The Interpreter

In my dreams
sometimes they speak
as if they did it everyday
Voices so smooth and effortless
that I forget to listen to the words

Eyes that seem to stare
into a vast and hollow void
Spinning objects in revolutions
of endless delight
Fingers that flicker and eyes
that look away
My heart tries to hear
what they cannot say
and in my dreams
sometimes they speak

Angela Minard 2009©

Almost Manic

I made it through Monday, and only got hit and kicked a few times. Working with aggressive kids sends my adrenaline up so high that by the end of the day I feel a bit manic. I felt close to a panic attack by lunch time, but I sat in my car for twenty minutes and listened to Josh Groban. That was calming, and the rest of the day was better. I'm fighting a cold, so most of this weekend was shot. I was running a fever, and slept most of Saturday away. Dave and I did get to go out Friday night though, and it was nice. I needed to decompress after a crazy work week. I'm so tired on the weekends, and I hate wasting them resting when I have so much that needs to be done around the house. I'm finding it hard to balance everything when I work full time. Of course, I need my computer and blogging time;-)

Tomorrow I see my therapist and nutritionist. I've been feeling spacey and numb for the past week. Dealing with my dad always brings so many feelings to the surface, and I'm sure that is what I'm pushing down. Maybe I will be able to talk through my emotions in my therapy session. I haven't seen my nutritionist in a couple of weeks. I know that I need to get back on track with my eating or lack there of. There are so many things that are triggering the anorexia. Losing weight is a trigger because there is always more to lose in my mind. Stress at work is affecting my appetite, and not eating is also a great way to distract myself from emotional issues. These are the times that I need the help of my treatment team, and I'm so glad that I have them. I feel like I'm needing extra support right now. That is okay though. I really feel like I will be able to deal with this set back, and as always, I keep on reminding myself that I have come so far. I still feel positive about the direction in which my life is headed.