Here and Now

I did manage to get some sleep last night. I've been up since 4:30 though. I had my computer packed away, but I pulled it back out for a nervous blogging session. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't write out my thoughts and feelings. I suppose that on the outside I am always so busy hiding me feelings and putting on the happy mask that people expect. It is through writing that I can be free of all of that and just be me. I don't have to protect anyone from my words and feelings when I write them out. I especially try and protect my mother from my feelings of pain, because she always turns it around and makes it her fault, and I can't stand the guilt. The main reason that I could never tell her about the rape was because she would have blamed herself for sending me to my dads for the summer. She could have never known ahead of time how neglectfully my brother and I were going to be cared for. She already had such guilt over the divorce and all of the changes ...

My bag are sitting in the doorway of our bedroom and I'm fighting the tears. Since Dave and I started dating over twenty years ago, we have never been apart longer than a week. He is what keeps me connected to this world when I am ready to drift away, it is always for him that I return. I want to do this for me, but mostly I want to recover for all of us. Dave and the boys, and then me. As much as I want to get better, I also don't want to gain weight. I don't think that I need to gain weight. I just want to maintain if possible. I'm sure that is not realistic, but still, it is the direction that my thoughts travel. I'm afraid for tomorrow night. I have never stayed in a hotel by myself. I feel like an immature child who has to learn to do things by herself. Growing up is always so hard.

I finally gathered all of the boys together this morning so that I could tell them that I would be going away to Renfrew. I waited until Dave went upstairs to take a shower. I figured that I would be too emotional with him around. It went better than I expected. Only my oldest knew about the eating disorder, so I told all of them. My youngest said,"Is that why we never see you eat?" They were great though. My mom is coming to stay for the first week that I'm gone, so they are excited to see their grandma. Their lives really won't change that much. Dave is always home for them, and he is always the one who gets them up and ready for school. He is such a great dad, so that definitely makes it easier for me to leave. Today I am taking the two younger boys to the movies, and each is taking a friend. That is what they wanted to do for their "friend" birthday. We already celebrated with family. I'm also going to finish most of my packing. Dave just went to Wal...

This blog is dedicated to my step-dad. I even hate to use the word step-dad , because in my heart, since he came into my life, he has been my dad. My real dad. I don't know what it is about him, but we have always just"clicked." I have always known that he just accepts me for who I am. He loves me for who I am. Maybe that unconditional love paired with someone who DOES NOT have to love you is what is so powerful. I think the fact that he is part of my life is some kind of a miracle. He also happens to be quite the character! I wrote a poem about him that I may have shared before, but he is worth a re-post. He sent me an e-mail today that just shook me to the core. I don't think that he will mind if I share. Love is love. It doesn't matter who it is from. All that matters is that it is acknowledged, accepted, and returned. Portrait of My Father I see you with your head bent down, shoulders hunched, shuffling around the house in your black socks that leave balls of ...

This is so cute. It made me laugh today. Laughing is good!

I'm holding on to everything that I can right now. I'm holding on to Dave, my kids. I'm holding all of this love from everyone so deep inside of my heart. Holding on so tight that my whole entire being feels like an open wound. How many times can I say how very afraid I am? I'm so afraid to let go of the eating disorder. I hold on to Claudia(aka, my ED) more than anything or anyone else. I trust that she will always be here for me, and she certainly never lets me down! It is time though... Time to let go... Time to trust and believe in the one person who holds the key, and that is me. I hold the key. I have started packing for Renfrew. I'm taking the quilt from our bed. That will help to make me feel close to home. I bought an electric shaver so that I wouldn't have to go and ask for a razor everytime that I want to shave. Yesterday I went without makeup except for mascara, and I dyed my hair back to it's natural color. I won't have to worry so much abou...

Angela Minard c/o Renfrew Center 7700 Renfrew Lane, Coconut Creek, FL 33073 Mail would be nice... No pressure though.